Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978)

In director John De Bello's genre-spoof comedy - the low-budget, cheesy and silly B-movie was chock full of sight gags, stupid one-liners, time-killing footage, lots of sub-plots, hits-and-misses and inept acting; efforts of incompetent government politicians, scientists, and military authorities were ineffective against the red invaders. The "so-bad-it's-good" crude movie made by a trio of first-time film-makers (director De Bello with writers Costa Dillon and J. Stephen Peace), could easily compete with the boring insanity of Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space (1957/1959).

The self-aware, quirky cult film served as a parody of mostly 1950s monster movies (not a new genre) about the attack of monstrous and foreign killers (i.e., older sci-fi and creature-monster movies included It Came from Outer Space (1953), Them! (1954), Tarantula! (1955), It Came From Beneath the Sea (1955), The Blob (1956), The Black Scorpion (1957), Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958), and John Landis' more recent Schlock (1973) with a "banana killer").

Its budget was only $100,000, and the film was widely reviled upon its release, but it had sustaining power and became a cult film favorite. It resulted in three sequels: Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988), Killer Tomatoes Strike Back! (1991), and Killer Tomatoes Eat France! (1992).

• an upward scrolling prologue (white text on a black background) described how no-one believed ("People laughed") that winged creatures could become predatory toward humans at the time of Hitchcock's cautionary suspenseful horror film The Birds (1963), until reports of millions of black bird attacks occurred in 1975 in Kentucky ("No one is laughing now")
• in a pre-credits sequence, in the "present day," a housewife (Cindy Charles) was washing dishes when she was savagely attacked by a blood-thirsty tomato that emerged from her garbage disposal; she screamed as the frame blurred; later it was determined that the "bloody corpse" was actually covered with tomato juice ("It's tomato juice!")
• in the opening title credits - a squished tomato (with sound effects) plastered the screen; it was accompanied by the film's ridiculous but catchy theme song: "Theme From Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes!" - with the lyric:
  • "They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, Chew you up for brunch And finish you off for dinner or lunch; They're marching down the halls They're crawling up the walls They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy Rotten to the core They're standing outside your door... I know I'm going to miss her A tomato ate my sister, Sacramento fell today They're marching into San Jose Tomatoes are on their way..."
• the wacky credits included praise for a special appearance of the Royal Shakespearean Tomatoes, a discount furniture store ad, and six identical credits for C.J. Dillon; it was claimed that the film was based upon the best-selling novel "The Tomatoes of Wrath"
• inexplicably all across the US, people were being assaulted by similar tomatoes of differing sizes, and police officers were dispatched to investigate; after drinking a glass of tomato juice at his dining table, a man collapsed with abdominal pain and died; grandparents Jess and Martha watched a TV program as Jess noted that little Timmy on the screen was devoured by a red tomato ("He ate him all up")
• at a private Department of Agriculture facility where a secret project was being conducted (to grow bigger and healthier tomatoes), terrorizing and attacking kamikaze tomatoes were battled by police officers; a helicopter crashed and killed its pilot after it flew into the giant killer tomato; police realized that it was useless to fire their shotguns at the tomatoes that were emerging from a field
• to avoid terror and nationwide panic due to the tomato insurgency, a Salesman (Jack Riley) at the site recommended a conspiracy to keep the 'truth' of the epidemic a secret from the public; the officials at the site of the crash decided to try and contain the undeterred threat by following the President's (Ernie Meyers) desires to keep this incident hush-hush, and to conduct a secret investigation; they prepared to gather together "the most obscure scientists," including a minor and obscure, chubby gov't worker named Mason Dixon (David Miller), and the President's own Press Secretary Jim Richardson (George Wilson), who owned his own vegetable garden
• during an informal meeting held in a tiny conference room of incompetent generals, white-coated scientists, and others (including the Press Secretary who arrived late), Japanese Dr. Fuji Nokitofa (Paul Oya) reported on the growing threat with a strange dubbed voice; he described an unrelated project involving the invention of a "half-man, half-robot, a very sophisticated combination of human intelligence and superhuman powers" to defeat the enemy; he also accidentally knocked down a framed wall hanging of the USS Arizona into a fish tank - a tasteless gag about Pearl Harbor
• after Mr. Black (Art Koustik), the head of a Federal Intelligence Agency (FIA), noted "trinkets and gadgets" wouldn't work against tomatoes: "This is man versus vegetable," the Japanese doctor offered his own opinion: "Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags," but he was corrected to change the word "fags" to "fruits"; Mason Dixon was authorized to supervise a group of four misfit field agents or operatives for additional support
• the group walked down a hallway to a lab room where the 'half-man, half-robot' - the anti-tomato antidote - an orange-suited android named Bruce (David Hall) was demonstrated by Dr. Morrison (Byron Teegarden); due to budgetary restrictions, the half-completed 'sophisticated' android failed to perform both running and jumping tasks

Undercover Disguise Expert Sam Smith (Gary Smith)

Russian Olympic Swimmer Gretta Attenbaum (Benita Barton)

Navy Scuba Diver Greg Colburn (Steve Cates)

• afterwards, Mason was introduced to three of his team of four officials: black undercover expert Sam Smith (Gary Smith), defecting Russian Olympic swimmer Gretta Attenbaum (Benita Barton), and Navy scuba diver Greg Colburn (Steve Cates); he would later meet his fourth team member (who was on a mission)

Jaws Parody

• in a parody of Jaws (1975), swimmers near San Diego were assaulted by deadly tomatoes in the water
• meanwhile during a news conference, the President's Press Secretary Jim Richardson was answering questions about allegations of the use of public funds to purchase "fluffy flower-print toilet paper"; he took one final question from Bobby Drake (Chad Demmon), a young public school student who asked about "the growing tomato menace"; Richardson froze at first, but then claimed there was no credible threat due to the "quirk of nature," and then stated how the President had formed a Senate Investigating Sub-Committee, composed of noted individuals; the camera panned over the first investigative session of the elderly, forgetful Senators, with their name-plates: Polk (Eric Christmas), Filmore, McKinley (Jack Nolen) and Harrison - some of the least effective US Presidents; four of the five members each received a copy of their secret preliminary report on "Domestic Tomato Growth and Expansion"
• the sub-committee members were unaware that the 5th copy of their report had been transmitted (or leaked) to Newspaper Editor-in-Chief (Ron Shapiro), the editor of the Times newspaper; without any one else available for a special assignment, the editor offered the 'special assignment' of the 'tomato case' to newly-hired society page reporter Lois Fairchild (Sharon Taylor), because all the other Special Assignment reporters were on Special Assignment
• meanwhile, a "herd of tomatoes" attacked some bikers in the country-side; a police car investigating the incident was also bombarded by tomatoes that covered its windshield
• in the President's DC office as he signed meaningless papers with multiple pens, Press Secretary Richardson expressed doubtfulness to him about Mason Dixon's team; it was suggested that they consult a NYC advertising firm that had been used for the President's re-election campaign; he had been re-elected even though he used the Statue of Liberty "as collateral on that Arab loan"; the President asked Richardson, who had recently visited the Middle East: ("How does the old girl look in the Dead Sea?")
• member of the press Lois Fairchild located Mason in a suburban neighborhood, and confronted him: "What's this deal about tomatoes?"; Superman (Brian Cantwell) (disguised as Clark Kent) walked by on the sidewalk and non-chalantly greeted Lois: "Hi there, Lois," and she replied: "Oh. Hi, Clark"; Mason replied: "No comment" to Lois' persistent questions, as Superman flew away (off-screen): "Up, up and away!"
• in an unmarked (?) FIA pool car carrying Mason and his team members, the occupants heard Ronny Desmond's oft-requested song "Puberty Love" (a foreshadowing for later) on the radio, but refused to listen to the torturous song for their ears; after changing the channel, a radio newscast reported: "And in other news today: in Newark, New Jersey, a man was eaten by a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich"
• in the countryside, the FIA car driven by Mason dropped off Gretta and scuba diver Greg in the middle of nowhere, as Sam Smith adopted different disguises: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln ("You're free"), and then Hitler; finally, Mason met his appointed assistant - soldier Lt. Wilbur Finletter (J. Stephen Peace) who landed on the top of the car with his deployed parachute attached to his back; he brandished his sword against team member Smith - disguised as Adolf Hitler, until Mason identified him as a team member
• in the city of San Francisco, identified by views of Alcatraz and cable cars - although labeled with the subtitle NEW YORK - Richardson was dispatched to meet with strung-out, persuasive, hard-selling advertising executive Ted Swann (Al Sklar) of the wacky "Mind Makers" advertising-marketing firm, who immediately recommended covering up the tomato "problem" - but admitted it would be a challenge to "convince the little housewife out there that the tomato that ate the family pet is not dangerous", and "to convince 200 million Americans that this disaster is actually a blessing"; he sang "The Mindmaker Song" with lyrics (in part) to promote his own business:
  • "Some sell, some buy, and only we know why...Hard sell or soft sell, it's all the same, Millions of dollar bills are spent every day, Where do they all go? Mind maker's here to run the show...We'll use catchy jingles, snappy tunes and pretty girls with big balloons A little lie, a stretch of truth can turn the public's head"
• Swann was hired by Richardson to develop an advertising campaign to reassure the public; the company was known for creating inane commercials and worthless slogans, such as the National Health Foundation's PSA about a blind traffic cop (James De Bello)
• in their SF (or NYC?) hotel room #401 where Lt. Finletter and Mason Dixon roomed together, Lois was stalking them; guests in the lobby were reading headlines: "TOMATO INVASION!"; in the countryside at a fishing hole, young Billy (Dan Walsh) and his talking dog Spot (Hutch the Dog) mysteriously disappeared; the military was conducting operations to hold off the active advance of the tomatoes with machine-gun emplacements visualized on a Mobil map; a Captain (John Qualls) showed Mason and and Major Mills (Jerry Anderson) a captured giant tomato; as a Scientist declared it was unusual: "This, may God help us, is a cherry tomato"; out in the wild, Gretta chowed down on STEROIDS breakfast cereal before she was bombarded with huge tomatoes launched at her like soccer balls; she screamed as she was flattened; Lt. Finletter arrived to find her corpse - he was too late to warn her about tomato activity in her sector

Swann's Proposed Ad Campaign

STP - Stop Tomato Program

• back in San Francisco (New York?), Swann was on the phone promoting the "first adult breakfast cereal: Kinky Crispies"; he unveiled his proposed ad campaign to combat the tomatoes: "TOMATO PLANTS vs. NUCLEAR PLANTS", and the slogan: "Giant tomatoes mean bigger pizzas!"; another ad compared the large no. of deaths for multiple reasons with the small number of deaths caused by any one tomato; he also described a possible STP bumper sticker decal (not for STP motor oil, but for a Stop Tomato Program); Swann also bragged to Richardson about how his agency had created The World’s Ultimate Commercial: ("Hi! Jesus Christ for Technatron!)
• further tomato attacks across the nation (Los Angeles, Boston, Seattle, Chicago) sent people running back and forth (across the same sidewalk); the mere mention of the word 'tomato' sent students screaming from a study room
• while driving and listening to his car radio, Mason heard the radio jockey again play the #1 song on the charts - "Puberty Love" - simultaneously, a giant tomato threatening him suddenly vanished; a United Air Lines plane landed in SAN DIEGO, carrying Press Secretary Richardson; Mason reported to the HQs of the Combined Military Operations of the Western US, and in the small conference room, he recounted his unusual experience to Dr. Nokitofa, Dr. Morrison, Richardson, and others; after the meeting, to silence Mason's intuitions about "Puberty Love," a masked assassin attempted to assassinate Mason from a distance, but his three shots missed and killed three other pedestrians
• back in the hotel, Lt. Finletter was still being stalked by Lois; as they both sat together in the lobby and made phone calls next to each other, their juxtaposed, cross-cutting conversations (crossed-lines?) produced humorous combinations of words; as she phoned her Editor-in-Chief about having lost Dixon's trail and he encouraged her to use all of her "potential," Finletter was speaking to his boss Mason about their investigation, and how he was tired and going to bed; afterwards, Lois followed Finletter to his hotel room and stiffy laid on his bed to please her boss; he chased her around the room before she fled down the hallway without her dress
• Mason was briefed in a mission intelligence control room on a military base, where the tomatoes were being tracked on a US map; it was feared that the tomatoes were amassing for "a final, all-out attack" - probably along the western coast in California; after the meeting both Lt. Finletter and Mason were again targeted by an assassin; Finletter chased after the masked gunman, but was saved from being executed by a passing Amtrak train between them
• during Mason's red-line call to the US President whose desk was cluttered with crumpled wads of wrongly-signed orders, he was shocked to learn the President's mail was 30-1 in favor of the tomatoes, and by the President's order to bomb NYC - the wrong target
• to illustrate how incompetent Mason's team was, Sam Smith (disguised as a tomato to infiltrate into a tomato camp) was sitting by a campfire with a group of other huge tomatoes; after being offered severed body parts ("dark meat," a breast, and an arm), and as he was eating a hot dog, he stupidly inquired: "Hey, will somebody please pass the ketchup?"

'The Tomato Stomp' Song Performed by GIs

• a US military unit of GIs performed "The Tomato Stomp" with a chorus line of kicking soldiers and the singing of ridiculous lyrics by a lead singer (Tom Coleman):
  • "We stopped the Germans in '45, Then we crushed the Viet Cong (almost)...We got to get those tomatoes Before they get us, We're gonna beat 'em, mash 'em, squish 'em, bash 'em in the street, We're gonna kick 'em, kick 'em, mush 'em, crush 'em with our feet..."
• on the West Coast, a full-scale battle between military forces and the tomatoes commenced, with a "rampage of wanton destruction. Burning. Pillaging. Raping"; an insensitive, exploitative TV news-reporter (Jim Hess) attempted to induce a sensational reaction from eyewitness Mrs. Williams (D.J. Sullivan) by suggesting her husband might be dead and then as a "spring chicken," she might have to find a new husband
• a tomato chased after Mason, down a street and into an apartment building, where he took refuge and was saved in a young boy's room where the song "Puberty Love" was playing; Mason looked out the window and saw that the assassin was stealing his vehicle; after a car chase after the assassin, with Finletter with his parachute dragged behind Mason's vehicle, Mason was - unbelievably struck by his own car - and taken captive; the assassin was revealed to be press secretary Richardson, who was facilitating and controlling the tomatoes; the evil, power-crazed suave individual was planning to ultimately take over the government; he was about to shoot Mason when Lt. Finletter charged through the door and speared Richardson with his sword
• the floor of Richardson's place was strewn with phonograph record albums, where Mason noticed one of the records was by the singer he had been hearing on his car radio - Ronny Desmond - with his hit pop song "Puberty Love"; the song could control, calm down and defeat the tomatoes rampaging across the nation and transform them into non-lethal vegetables
• Mason urged Finletter to assemble the remaining crazed mass of survivors at San Diego Stadium for a final show-down with the remaining giant killer tomatoes; at the same time, Richardson's plan of domination was already collapsing; the Senate's Sub-committee disbanded, and the military forces were packing up in the mission control room

Mason with Crazies at San Diego Stadium to Defeat the Giant Tomatoes By Playing the Song "Puberty Love" on the Stadium's Broadcast System

• fortunately, back at the stadium, the cherry tomatoes were also cornered and subjected to listening to the detested song "Puberty Love" broadcast on loudspeakers; they shrunk in size, allowing the crowds to stomp on the smaller tomatoes and destroy them

Lois Fairchild Assailed by a Tomato Wearing Ear-Muffs, But Saved by Mason Holding Up Sheet Music to "Puberty Love

• meanwhile, reporter Lois Fairchild was saved by Mason from a tomato wearing ear-muffs to drown out the song, by visually showing the red tomato the sheet music to the song
• in the film's final moments, a shoe-horned romance, Mason and Lois kept repeating each other's names, back-and-forth, in the middle of the stadium field; in slow-motion, they ran into each other's arms for a hug; Mason also declared his love for Lois by singing a song for her - with an operatic voice:
  • "The first time I saw you I hated your guts, I felt your love For cigarette butts, But now that I've touched you, I always will love you, My love for you will never dim Until all the fish can't swim..."
• she sang back to him with the same dramatic style: "The first time I saw you Was such a thrill to me, I felt your nose Tickle my knee"; they finished the song in unison: "Our love will be classy Like Timmy and Lassie, I know that you're ever mine Until the very end of time"
• afterwards, in a field with loudly chirping birds, they walked off holding hands into the sunset
• the film ended with a threat from the next vegetable now free to destroy humanity - a carrot rose up out of a carrot patch, and in a cartoony voice, it declared: "All right, you guys. They're gone now"