The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) (aka Dance of the Vampires or Pardon Me...But Your Teeth Are in My Neck)

In Polish-Jewish film director Roman Polanski's offbeat vampire horror comedy-spoof and first color film - it told about two hapless and ineffective vampire hunters who clumsily attempted to destroy an undead nobleman, while rescuing a beautiful maiden in a Transylvanian town in the mid-1800s.

The story-script for the quirky and odd slapstick film with black comedy (one of the first successful vampire comedies) was penned by Polanski and French screenwriter Gérard Brach, who paid some homage to the opulent gothic horror pictures produced by Hammer Films, such as The Kiss of the Vampire (1963, UK). It also referenced elements of F.W. Murnau's fantasy-horror masterpiece Nosferatu (1922) and Carl Theodor Dreyer's Vampyr (1932). The European director's three previous films were all taut psychodramas: Knife in the Water (1962), Repulsion (1965), and Cul-de-sac (1966).

The film's British cinematographer Douglas Slocombe was already well-known for his work on three great Ealing Studio comedies (Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949), The Lavender Hill Mob (1951), and The Man in the White Suit (1951)), and went on to a long career with such varied hits as: The Lion in Winter (1968), Rollerball (1975), Julia (1977), and even the trilogy of Indiana Jones films (1981-1989), plus the non-canonical Bond film Never Say Never Again (1983).

The film's taglines were:

• You'll never know what bit you... but you'll love it!
• Who says Vampires are no laughing matter?

The film's budget ended up at about $2 million. After filming, Polanski complained about the extensive cuts of about 12 minutes in the US edited version of the film, and actually disowned the film. The American version had been retitled (from its European title Dance of the Vampires). Under the direction of executive producer Martin Ransohoff, MGM's Supervising Editor Margaret Booth and Head of Theatrical Post Production Merle Chamberlain were involved in the substantial editorial cuts to emphasize the film's comedic aspects. They re-voiced and re-dubbed the voice of the male star Jack MacGowran (with a cartoonish substitute) and added a crude, mis-matched two-minute animated prologue to make the film more understandable.

Following the crude meddling and editing of the film in the 1960s that caused the film to essentially fail, MGM began distributing Polanski's original European cut to repertory and revival houses in 1979 where it became a popular and classic cult film. Later in Europe in 1997, the film was adapted into a stage musical (also directed by Polanski) with music by rock composer Jim Steinman. It also had a Broadway version in 2002 starring Michael Crawford.

Soon after filming, director Polanski married 33 year-old American actress Sharon Tate early in the year 1968, after she had previously co-starred with him (in her feature film debut) in this film in 1967. Ironically, the plot of the film was similarly played out a year later when Polanski's pregnant actress/wife Sharon Tate would be terrorized and murdered. In early August of 1969, Tate was stabbed to death in the cultish Manson Family massacre in Benedict Canyon (a suburb of Los Angeles).

• in the American version, a two-minute animated prologue preceded a short animated logo sequence (see below), functioning as an unnecessary primer on vampire lore; it introduced the two main 'vampire killers' (a top-hatted black-garbed academic Professor and his young male assistant) in a graveyard, where they intended to thwart the evil intentions of a greenish, long-fanged vampire with their garlic vampire prevention kit (by ingesting the foul-smelling substance); they wielded a small gold crucifix to scare off the blood-sucking creature and also caught the vampire in sunlight where its powers were diminished; they were successful in scaring the undead Dracula-like vampire into a coffin, and pounding a wooden stake into the creature's heart
• in the brief animated title sequence in the UK's version of the film, the MGM lion roared and then turned into a green vampire/ghoul face with fangs and blood dripping from its mouth
• the elderly, doddering bat-vampire hunter Professor Dr. Abronsius (Jack MacGowran) (modeled after Albert Einstein) and his "faithful disciple" - dim-witted, loyal and kind-hearted boyish apprentice Alfred (director Roman Polanski), were introduced as being on a "sacred mission" throughout Central Europe; their travels and "mysterious investigations" for decades had failed to find evidence of vampires, and had cost Abronsius his Professorship at the University of Königsberg

Professor Abronsius (Jack MacGowran) - Vampire Killer

Young Apprentice Alfred (Roman Polanski)

The Two Travelers Warming Up in a Transylvanian Inn

• the two were on their way to the small and distant village of Transylvania in Eastern Europe in wintry conditions, with crucifix stakes and a mallet; their sleigh was attacked by mad dogs-wolves that Alfred fruitlessly beat away with an umbrella, while his frozen-stiff master sat motionless next to him; once the pair arrived in the remote town's inn, efforts were made to defrost the Professor and warm up Alfred, with remedies from the superstitious villagers including rubbing snow on their ears, sticking their feet into a bucket of hot mustard water, and warming them up with hot beer and cinnamon
• after noticing that the tavern's beam held a large hanging clump of garlic bulbs (like mistletoe) due to the superstitions of the locals who believed they were an effective vampire repellent, they asked the Jewish tavern-keeper Yoyneh (Yoine) Shagal (Alfie Bass): "What is all the garlic doing here?"; the Professor suspected that there might be a vampire-owned castle in the vicinity; it was hinted at and confirmed by the Village Idiot (Ronald Lacey), but Shagal (and the others) denied there were any castles, although it was obvious that they were lying
• after the weary travelers were offered an upstairs room in the inn with its own adjoining bathroom, the inn-keeper was embarrassed to find that his beautiful, young, innocent, red-haired and buxom daughter Sarah Shagal (Sharon Tate) was bathing in their bathtub: ("I'd forgotten Sarah"); Abronsius was encouraged and jubilant: "All these signs! We are nearing our goal at last!"; the two listened and peeked to watch as Sarah's father disciplined and spanked her to show his disapproval of her frequent desire to take baths: ("Every day you are having baths!...l told you, no bath!"); the next morning, Shagal nailed planks of wood over the door that led from Sarah's room to the adjoining bathroom - to block her entry
• later in the evening, as Alfred placed heated healing cups onto Abronsius' bare back, he was shown an article about how to detect vampires - he read outloud about an intriguing theory: "They cast no reflected image. Thus, for example, one cannot see them, nor can they see themselves, in a mirror"
• behind his rotund wife Rebecca's (Jessie Robins) back, Shagal had been carrying on a lustful affair with his pretty, bountiful blonde maid-servant Magda (Fiona Lewis)

The Smiling Beautiful Sarah (Sharon Tate) in the Inn's Upper Window

• the next morning, the smiling Sarah watched from an upper window as Alfred built a snowman outdoors; moments later, Abronsius and Alfred observed a strange hunchbacked servant named Koukol (Terry Downes) enter the tavern to purchase stacks of tall candles before leaving on his sleigh; Alfred was worried that the hunchback had unfortunately caught a glimpse of the beautiful Sarah in the window; Abronsius ordered Alfred to follow the unusual individual: ("l think we have a clue! l want you to follow him"); Alfred clung to the back of the sleigh, and was able to discern that the hunchback was unthreatened by a menacing wolf; after chasing after it and devouring it, the hunchback returned with a bloody face
• upon Alfred's return to the inn, the freckle-faced Sarah timidly entered Alfred's room and flirtatiously spoke to him about her life of boredom in the inn: "I just don't know what to do with myself. I get so bored. You can't imagine how bored I get"; she complained that she was virtually imprisoned and "locked up" and her room was "full of garlic" - it was her father's protective defense to keep her safe and ward off vampires; when she asked Alfred: "You don't mind if I have a quick one?" - Alfred was taken aback and thought she was propositioning him, but she was only persuasively asking about taking a bath and having him provide her with hot water
• against her father's adamant wishes, Sarah bathed alone in the tub in the guests' bathroom, where she was attacked by the local undead, caped vampire lord - Count von Krolock (Ferdy Mayne, also the Narrator); he peered down on her through the snow-covered skylight, and then descended through the ceiling; she noticed that he signaled his entry by snowflakes dropping down upon her through the open window; the figure with a fluttering cape lasciviously approached her and flared at her with his pointed fangs; she flailed around in the tub as he bit into her neck and covered her mouth to prevent screaming; Alfred was peeping through the keyhole and saw the mouth-bloodied Count after assaulting Sarah; soon after (off-screen), the Count disappeared through the skylight opening in the ceiling - taking her with him; the awakened Professor and Alfred broke into the bathroom and were disturbed to find an empty bathtub with crimson blood-stained bubbles

The Count Peering Through Snow-Covered Roof Skylight	In Her Bath, Sarah Noticing Snowflakes Dropping Down on Her	Sarah Looking Up as the Count Entered the Room
Sarah Bathing in the Tavern's Adjoining Bathroom - Attacked and Abducted by the Count Who Broke Through The Ceiling's Skylight, Covered Her Mouth and Bit Into Her Neck

• after the abduction, the upset tavern-keeper Shagal screamed at the open skylight - "Your Excellency Von Krolock! Give me back my daughter!"; he attempted to rescue his kidnapped daughter, armed only by ingesting some garlic, and tromped off into the night; by the next morning, he was returned to the inn - and found frozen stiff outside; the cowardly villagers feared he had been attacked by "beasts" (wolves) and didn't want to acknowledge that there was a vampire in their neighborhood; Abronsius noticed numerous double fang-bite marks on his lower legs and abdomen (and wrist) that had drained him of his blood; he had presumably been captured by the local vampire and transformed

Alfred Was Taught How to Pound a Sharp Wooden Stake Into a Vampire's Heart

• the Professor explained to Shagal's distraught wife Rebecca that driving a wooden stake into her unfaithful husband's heart would save his soul; she was reluctant to follow their advice; the two retreated to their room where the Professor instructed Alfred (seen in shadowy silhouettes) how to use a wooden stake to kill a vampire corpse, by stabbing into a pillow; when they returned downstairs to stake Shagal in the heart, the corpse resurrected itself on the table behind them, and fled down a trap door; they comically chased after him around the interior basement of the inn and mistakenly staked a wine barrel, causing blood-red wine to gush everywhere
• moments later, the lecherous, vampirish Shagal broke into his maid-servant Magda's room, where he humorously and lustfully threatened to attack; she vainly tried to protect herself with a crucifix; with a memorable quote, he quipped that the cross wouldn't work on a Jew: ("Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire"); he bit into her neck (off-screen), with intentions to turn Magda into his vampire bride; although too late, Abronsius attempted to protect the crazed maid-servant by blocking the window and filling her room with crucifixes and garlic clumps, and said he would later attempt a transfusion
• to further investigate this latest vampire transformation, Alfred and Dr. Abronsius followed Shagal's snow tracks as he fled from the tavern; on cross-country skis, they were led up to a nearby snowy gothic castle; inside, the two came across the Count's hunchbacked servant Koukol keeping guard; he held up a candelabra as he took them down dark corridors (lined with grotesque family paintings) to meet with the red-robed, white-haired, distinguished-looking Count; he greeted them as "guests" and expressed an interest in the Professor's "remarkable" writings on the Mysteries of the Bat; the two visitors were invited to stay overnight in the creepy castle, and then the Count also introduced them to his homosexual son Herbert von Krolock (Iain Quarrier) (later described by the Count as a "gentle, sensitive youth"), who expressed an instant liking and affection for Alfred
• the next morning, the two 'vampire killers' attempted to search out the Count's nearby crypt and stake him in the heart, knowing that vampires slept in wooden coffins within a crypt during the day and were vulnerable: (Abronsius: "A castle without a crypt is like a unicorn without a horn"); as they snooped around, they observed as Koukol was constructing a new coffin to hold the 'dead' Sarah, and theorized that she might still be alive: ("lf she were dead, she would already be in it like one of them, screened from the light"); meanwhile, the transformed Jewish vampire Shagal was searching around for a coffin to sleep in
• denied entry by Koukol to the castle's burial crypt area through the front entrance gate, the two vampire killers attempted to enter through the roof window's narrow aperture, but Abronsius became caught there; the job of killing the bloodsuckers was left to the fearful, inept and hapless Alfred, who was nervously hesitant about completing the tasks of opening two coffin lids and staking the three vampires (the Count, and his son and Shagal who shared the 2nd coffin); at first, he clumsily was unaware that he was holding the stake upside-down, and then turned powerless and was unable to complete the deed

2nd Bath Scene: Sarah in the Count's Castle - She Was Warned by Alfred

• as the amateurish Alfred attempted to exit the castle to help pull out the stuck and half-frozen Abronsius to carry out the staking task, he distractedly came across Sarah taking a bath in her room; during a second bath sequence, the kidnapped Sarah was oblivious to danger when Alfred kissed her gently, and then he suggested saving her and warning her to follow after him: ("I'm going to save you. We'll go away together...You must follow me, I beseech you"); however, all she wanted to do was attend the hospitable Count's annual midnight ball that evening, so that she could wear her beautiful red gown and they could share a dance together; she promised to follow him the next day, but he cautioned: "But tomorrow will be too late"; he turned around to draw a heart on a frosty window for his would-be sweetheart, but then realized that she had suddenly disappeared behind him
• Alfred remembered his previous task was to rescue Abronsius in the window; he yanked his half-frozen master from the window but accidentally lost their satchel down the mountain with their anti-vampire tools inside, just as the sun was setting (and the vampires were about to arise); Abronsius found a telescope and viewed the stars, Saturn, and the nearby village tavern where he saw Sagal lasciviously entering Magda's bedroom window

Alfred Realizing That Herbert Didn't Cast a Mirror Reflection Sitting Next to Him

Herbert Trying to Seduce Alfred

Herbert Missing Alfred's Neck and Biting Into His Book

• soon after, as Alfred went looking for Sarah in her bedroom, he found himself pursued by the Count's predatory son Herbert (who revealed his vampire nature without a reflection in a mirror), who was intent on seducing him; Herbert was impressed that Alfred was reading a small book titled: "A Hundred Goodlie Ways of Avowing One's Sweet Love to a Comlie Damozel," printed in 1732 by Presse di Fratelli Seguin; as Herbert attempted to bite Alfred in the neck, he missed and his teeth sunk into the pages of the book
• a chase up and down the castle's stairs was initiated by the "beserk" Herbert in pursuit of Alfred, but ludicrously, Alfred ended up back where the chase had been initiated, and found himself standing next to Herbert; the two wrestled as Herbert attempted another bite, but Alfred fought back and bit into Herbert's ear
• the Professor asked Alfred about Herbert's strange fondness for him: "Did you provoke him?" to which Alfred replied: "No, he got excited all on his own!"; Alfred confirmed for Abronsius that vampires didn't cast reflections in mirrors, but then turned "frightened" when they looked down at dozens of the castle's stone crypts opening up, and they observed as hordes of vampires were resurrected (only once each year); the Count suddenly appeared and told them: "l`m not hibernating"; he ominously foretold how their race of vampires would soon take over the Earth:
  • "Soon we shall be victorious and triumphant! We shall then hold sway over this Earth which awaits our coming as autumn awaits winter"
• the Count left the two vampire killers locked outside on the castle's round tower-turret

The Count Fervently Addressing His "Beloved Flock" of Resurrected Vampires at the Midnight Ball, And Introducing the Recently-Bitten Sarah to Them

• meanwhile, the Count's tribe of vampirish guests (he called them his "beloved flock" - many of whom appeared to be members of royalty reaching back hundreds of years), were assembled together to hear their leader Count Krolock speak with fervent optimism about the acquisition of new prospects; he introduced a "wonderful surprise" by pulling aside a curtain to show-off the already-bitten Sarah; he then told how "another human" (i.e., Shagal's partially-transformed maid Magda) and "two more humans" (the vamp hunters) were next to be groomed for his audience
• as midnight approached, Alfred and Abronsius were able to escape their imprisonment by heating up a steam-powered cannon with burning wooden door planks, and blasting their imprisoning iron tower door with a cannon-ball
• the vampire guests attending the Count's great midnight ball-dance danced a minuet - it was truly a dance of the vampires; the Count took Sarah as his dance partner
• Alfred and Abronsius eavesdropped on a conversation between Shagal and Magda; he had brought her to the ball in his sleigh and was in the process of prepping her to meet "His Excellency" by providing her with a yellow dress and matching shoes; he even attempted to bite into her neck, but then realized that she had already transformed; he dragged her limp corpse and placed it inside one of the outdoor stone crypts
• to gain entrance to the ball, Alfred and Abronsius knocked out two elderly vampires and stole their clothes, in order to spy on the festivities and rescue Sarah; while mingling with the dancers, Alfred alerted Sarah: "lt is l. Life has a meaning once more. We are going to save you"; he enticed her to leave with them and travel to Venice, and the two told her their plan: "At the next turn, we make for the door. Light. Life. Love. When l say 'hop', we make for the door and run for it"
• as they were about to flee, it became obvious to all of the vampire dancers that only the reflections of the interloping humans - Alfred and Abronsius (including Sarah, who was not yet fully transformed) - appeared in a giant mirror behind them; their cover was blown; as they ran off, the Count shouted: "Snatch the girl from them!"; Alfred and Abronsius improvised by crossing two swords to form a crucifix, to ward off the vampires; as they ran off, their departure was slightly delayed when Professor Abronsius was studiously distracted by the sight of bats hanging from a basement room's ceiling
• in the film's twist-ending conclusion, the threesome, including Sarah (now fully vampirized) were able to escape the ball and castle, and fled into the snowy countryside in Shagal's horse-drawn sleigh; the hunchback Koukol was ordered by the Count to pursue them: "Give them a little hell, fire and blood! Go! Catch them!"; the loyal servant attempted to catch up to the fugitives by using one of his freshly-built coffins as a makeshift toboggan-sled, but he suffered a deserved fate - he crash-landed into a den of wolves where he was devoured
• the two males were unaware that Sarah had been infected and transformed; as she slept on Alfred's shoulder, he admired her frozen"tiny hand" - she awakened, flared her fangs, and bit into his neck; Alfred lost his right shoe into the snow as he was being attacked

The Film's Conclusion: The Rescued Sarah (Now a Fully-Realized Vampire) Bit into Alfred's Neck

• the Narrator delivered the film's ominous final lines (in voice-over) - that the evil vampirism would now be spread throughout Vienna and the world:
  • "That night, fleeing from Transylvania, Professor Abronsius never guessed he was carrying away with him the very evil he had wished to destroy. Thanks to him, this evil would at last be able to spread across the world."