Classic Comedies:

Funniest Movie
Moments and Scenes


Title Screen
Movie Title/Year and Scene Descriptions

The Dark Knight (2008)

  • in Christopher Nolan's second film in a so-called trilogy, following Batman Begins (2005), and followed by The Dark Knight Rises (2012) - the darkly comic, so-called "pencil magic trick" scene was stunning
  • in a meeting held in an underground kitchen of underworld crime bosses and Gotham City gangsters (including Maroni, the Chechen, and African-American gang leader Gambol (Michael Jai White)), the group was discussing where to protectively hide mobster money against a crackdown by Lt. James Gordon (Gary Oldman), the head of the Major Crimes unit, and the new DA Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart); by TV hookup, their money-laundering accountant Lau (Ng Chin Han) announced to the group that all the mob deposits had already been moved to his own secure Hong Kong investment firm, without their permission
  • from the back of the room came the sound of laughter from the Joker (Heath Ledger), and all eyes turned toward him as he approached and quipped: "And I thought my jokes were bad"; Gambol threatened to have his henchman deal with him: "Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off"; the Joker deflected the threat and offered to demonstrate a 'magic trick' on a table-top to intimidate them: ("How about a magic trick?")
  • he struck the table surface with a leaded pencil that stood upright and then told the group: "I'm gonna make this pencil disappear"; when Gambol's henchman approached, he smashed the guy's head face-first into the pencil - and it did disappear as he had predicted; he declared: "Ta-daaaa! It's, it's gone!"

The Joker: "I'm gonna make this pencil disappear"

Gambol's Henchman Before His Head Was Slammed Into Upright Pencil

"It's, it's gone"

A Day at the Races (1937)

  • in this Marx Brothers' madcap comedy (their 7th film), made for MGM (their second film for the studio), in Sparkling Springs, Florida, the Standish Sanitarium was owned by pretty Judy Standish (Maureen O'Sullivan), it was facing liquidation, bankruptcy, and the sale of the institution within a month; Judy's handsome fiancee-boyfriend Gil Stewart (Allan Jones), who was employed as a nightclub singer, gave up expensive voice lessons (and a career in radio) and spent his entire life savings of $1,500 dollars on a misfit racehorse named Hi-Hat (owned by a rich banker), with the future hope of winning a Big Race to help finance and save Judy's sanitarium

Sanitarium Driver Tony (Chico Marx)

Sanitarium Owner Judy Standish (Maureen O'Sullivan)

Judy's Fiancee-Boyfriend - Singer Gil Stewart (Allan Jones)
  • one of Judy's loyal employees and friends, Sanitarium bus driver/chauffeur Tony (Chico Marx), recommended financial aid from wealthy, live-in hypochondriacal patient Mrs. Emily Upjohn (Margaret Dumont); when Mrs. Upjohn indignantly threatened to leave and seek treatment for her hypochondria from a Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx) from nearby Palmville, FL., Tony decided to intervene and promised her that the same Dr. Hackenbush was arriving shortly; Mrs. Upjohn assured Judy that she would remain at the sanitarium and help support it - to save the financially-failing facility, if she was treated by Hackenbush
  • Tony sent a telegram to Dr. Hackenbush to summon him to the Standish Sanitarium as a new Chief of Staff; it was clear, however, that he was running a vet practice for small animals and horses, not a facility for human patients
  • meanwhile, evil banker Mr. J.D. Morgan (Douglass Dumbrille), with his secret accomplice Whitmore (Leonard Ceeley), the Sanitarium's financial officer, were conspiring to buy the soon-to-foreclose property and convert it into a gambling casino - to supplement Morgan's other holdings including a nearby race track and hotel (with nightclub)
  • once Dr. Hackenbush arrived, he described his dubious education, background and experience; he handed a large horse-size pill to Mrs. Upjohn when she asked for her medicine and assured her: "You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby"; when Whitmore asked about the large pill, Hackenbush quipped: "Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself"
  • meanwhile, at the nearby race track, mute Stuffy (Harpo Marx), Morgan's horse jockey riding on Hi-Hat, won a race that he was ordered to lose, and was fired; it was obvious that Hi-Hat always reacted violently whenever in the presence of Morgan (or his picture); Stufffy's friend Tony suggested to Hi-Hat's new owner Gil that Stuffy could now serve as Hi-Hat's main jockey and caretaker, but Gil claimed that he was broke
  • in a brilliant sight-gag, the Sheriff (Robert Middlemass) arrived to collect money for Hi-Hat's overdue $15 feed bill from Gil; Stuffy and Tony - to prevent the horse from being repossessed - repeatedly pickpocketed the threatening Sheriff of the same $5 dollar bill offered as partial payment to make it look like the bill was paid, until they were caught
  • in the next classic "Tootsie-Frootsie" ice cream/code book scene, Judy's friend and disreputable, race-track ice-cream vendor Tony used another scam or ploy to raise the feed money and for betting money on a horse named Sun-Up after receiving a race tip from Gil; he sold racing hints to Dr. Hackenbush, requiring that he also purchase numerous code books and breeder's and jockey's guides to decipher the various parts of the coded race tips, before making his own profitable bet on the winning horse Sun-Up
  • when Judy asked for a picture of Dr. Hackenbush, to help publicize the Sanitarium and acquire more patients, he attempted to disguise his lack of medical-doctor credentials: "I'm not a famous man. I'm just a simple country doctor with horse sense"; she requested that he treat Mrs. Upjohn kindly, since she was the sanitarium's lifeline, and Hackenbush answered: "Well, she's not exactly my type, but for you, I'd make love to a crocodile"
Hackenbush's Clever Phone-Prank of Whitmore (Leonard Ceeley) Regarding Hackenbush's Employment History
  • in a split-screen phone prank scene of impersonation, Hackenbush played lots of tricks to infuriate and enrage Judy's scheming business manager-partner Whitmore who was trying to discredit him; after intercepting a phone call from Colonel Hawkins of the Florida Medical Board, Hackenbush impersonated "Hawkins" as half-deaf and drawling (and also pretended to be the two receptionists on both ends) to prevent Whitmore from acquiring discovering Hackenbush's lack of qualifications from the records department for the job at the Standish Sanitarium; he pretended he was in the midst of a hurricane (with a noisy electric desk fan): ("There's a hurricane blowin' and you'll have to talk a little loudah"), kept summoning Whitmore to a buzzing intercom from the adjoining office to complain about the noise, and also kept providing answers showing how forgetful he was about the subject of the call
  • during the first of two absurd medical examination scenes, new patient Stuffy was examined by Dr. Hackenbush; he offered his preliminary diagnosis of the patient: "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!"; at the end of the exam, Hackenbush realized that his auriscope mirror was reversed on his forehead and that he had really been examining himself: ("He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at"); as a result of the exam, Tony realized that Hackenbush was a horse doctor, not a human doctor
  • at the Gala Water Carnival held at Morgan's Sparkling Springs Lakes Resort where Gil sang, Hackenbush danced with Mrs. Upjohn, but continually flirted with a slinky call girl - a big beautiful blonde named Miss Nora "Flo" Marlowe (Esther Muir); after Tony's solo at a grand piano for the audience, Stuffy destroyed the piano and converted its innards into a makeshift harp and entertained the patrons with a Rachmaninoff number

Hackenbush's Flirtatious Love Interest - Blonde Floozie "Flo" (Esther Muir) at the Water Carnival

Stuffy's Pantomime of the Conspiratorial Plan (Hackenbush's Seduction By a Woman) For Tony
  • one of Whitmore's further schemes to cause a scandal and disqualify Hackenbush was by hiring temptress "Flo" to seduce Hackenbush and have Mrs. Upjohn catch them having an affair; Stuffy overheard the plan, and in a priceless scene, Tony played a pantomime-charades game with him to guess and piece together what he had heard; he interpreted that Hackenbush would be framed by a woman knocking on his door
  • one of the film's highlights was Flo's romancing of Hackenbush in his suite during a midnight dinner; to prevent their romantic affair from going any further, Stuffy and Tony arrived to interrupt the romance and save him; the two first posed as his friends, then as house detectives (with two bulldogs), but were repeatedly thrown out
  • then, to seduce Hackenbush, Flo engaged in a close embrace with him - the film's most famous quoted line: Flo: "I want to be near you. I want you to hold me. Hold me closer! Closer! Closer", Hackenbush: "If I hold ya any closer, I'll be in back of ya"

Hackenbush to Flo: "If I hold ya any closer, I'll be in back of ya"

On the Sofa Together
Stuffy and Tony Wallpapering Miss "Flo" to the Wall
  • Tony and Stuffy entered a third time as wall-paper hanging decorators; incredulously, they wall-papered Flo to the wall and hid her under a pile of sofa cushions to prevent her from being seen by Whitmore and Mrs. Upjohn who knocked on the door and entered, intending to dismiss him after finding him cheating
  • the next day, Mrs. Upjohn apologized to Dr. Hackenbush for mistrusting him, and he urged her to agree to pay the notes on the sanitarium for Judy to make up for her error in judgment; he then professed his love for her: "It's the old, old story, boy meets girl. Romeo and Juliet. Minneapolis and St. Paul"
  • meanwhile, Whitmore has hired an examining doctor from Vienna named "Dr. Leopold X Steinberg" (Sig Rumann) to try to expose Hackenbush as a fraudulent quack; Steinberg mentioned to Hackenbush that he doubted the diagnosis of Mrs. Upjohn's condition as having "double blood pressure"
  • during preliminary preparations for Mrs. Upjohn's thorough medical exam to settle the issue, Hackenbush attempted a diversion to kill time and stall, and distract both Whitmore and Dr. Steinberg; Tony and Stuffy served as his assistants (with garage station lab-coats), and took Dr. Steinberg's name as their own, causing confusion when Hackenbush introduced the many 'Steinbergs' to each other, and they all bowed simultaneously
  • to delay the exam, Hackenbush, Tony and Stuffy kept resterilizing their hands by washing, and asked for new white lab coats; when three nurses arrived with the coats, Stuffy stepped into one with his arms out and grabbed one of the nurses; Hackenbush cautioned him: "Just put the gown on, not the nurse"; Stuffy whisked the nurse's outer garments off, leaving her in a slip
  • during Mrs. Upjohn's actual medical exam, she was laid out and strapped into a tilted-up operating chair/table; a "MEN AT WORK" sign was hung at her feet and she was prepared as if in a barber's shop; she was also bounced up and down in the operating chair; the ridiculous exam was interrupted when Stuffy set off the room's overhead sprinkler system, dowsing the entire operating room with rain; race horse Hi-Hat burst into a sprinkler-soaked sanitarium and rescued the "Hackenbush team" of doctors; the trio escaped on Hi-Hat and hid out in Hi-Hat's stable, where everyone commiserated about how the sanitarium would belong to Morgan by the next day
  • there were two musical sequences that were conducted in the neighborhood of poor black shanty towns: (1) Pied-Piper-like Stuffy with a piccolo led a cavalcade of children through the area in Gabriel: ("Who Dat Man?") - they thought he was Archangel Gabriel, and (2) an exuberant song and jitterbug-dance number known as All God's Chillun Got Rhythm was performed with gravity-defying, jitter-bugging danced by Herbert "Whitey" White's Lindy Hoppers; it then progressed into "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen"
  • during the musical number when Morgan, Whitmore and the Sheriff arrived to arrest the group for fraud, Hackenbush, Tony and Stuffy vainly attempted to disguise themselves by painting their faces with axle grease (a blackface disguise), but they were nevertheless discovered; when Hi-Hat saw Morgan and heard his voice, he became extremely agitated and jumped over the barn door (with Stuffy riding him) to escape; the group decided that Hi-Hat's jumping and racing prowess made him a possible contender in Saturday's Grand Steeplechase race at the Sparkling Springs Racetrack
  • in the film's climactic conclusion, Hi-Hat (#7) was entered in the Big Race with Stuffy as his jockey; many diversionary tactics were used to delay the start of the race, so that Hi-Hat could be smuggled into the race as a late-added starter; once the race officially began after many delays, Hi-Hat balked at the first jump, but Stuffy had a solution to get him running - he showed Hi-Hat a picture of the hated Morgan, and the horse became agitated and took off; the sound of Morgan's voice was also projected over the loudspeakers to spur him on
  • during the slapstick race sequence, Stuffy rode Hi-Hat to defeat - but then it was discovered that Hi-Hat and Morgan's horse Skee Ball were unknowingly switched when the two riders were upset in one of the jumps, and emerged from the muddy water unable to identify the horse's numbers; Morgan's jockey actually rode Hi-Hat to victory; Hi-Hat won the $50,000 purse, to be used to save the sanitarium, and Gil won his love Judy

Hi-Hat (#7) with Stuffy as Jockey

The Triumphant Hi-Hat on the Race Track Following His Victory

Hackenbush's Closing Marriage Proposal
  • as everyone (including the winning black singers who had bet on Hi-Hat) walked along the racetrack, Hackenbush delivered the film's punchline - he promised marriage to Mrs. Upjohn: "Emily, I have a little confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse"

Wealthy Hypochondriac Patient Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont)

Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx) - Vet for Small Animals and Horses

(l to r): Whitmore (Leonard Ceeley) and Mr. J.D. Morgan (Douglass Dumbrille)

Racetrack Jockey Stuffy (Harpo Marx)

Bribing and Pickpocketing the Threatening Sheriff (Robert Middlemass) When He Came to Collect Hi-Hat's $15 Dollar Feed Bill

"Tootsie-Frootsie" Ice Cream Vendor Scene

Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx) with Judy Standish at the Sanitarium: "I'm just a simple country doctor with horse sense"

Hackenbush's Medical Examination of Stuffy: "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!"

Stuffy Playing the Strings of a Destroyed Piano at the Water Carnival

Mrs. Upjohn's Apology to Hackenbush, and His Profession of Love to Her

The Arrival of Dr. Steinberg (Sig Rumann) to Expose Hackenbush

Preparations for the Exam

The Introduction of the Other Two 'Steinbergs' (Tony and Stuffy) to Dr. Steinberg

Hackenbush to Stuffy When New Lab Coats Were Delivered: "Just put that gown on, not the Nurse"

Examining Mrs. Upjohn in a Reclining Chair

"Who Dat Man?"

All God's Chillun Got Rhythm

Death Becomes Her (1992)

  • director Robert Zemeckis' and Universal's extremely-funny, satirical, inventive and entertaining black comedy and fantasy was about obsessive attempts to alter the aging process due to modern-day vanity; jaw-dropping award-winning Visual Effects were used to great comic effect, some of which were very similar to the effects in the previous year's Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) - another Oscar winner for Visual Effects
  • in the macabre film's grotesque plot that functioned as a morality play, personal animosities and hatreds were fought over many years between two long-standing, battling rivals who were originally childhood friends: glamorous and narcissistic musical star-actress diva Madeline Ashton (Meryl Streep) and her best friend, aspiring bookish writer Helen Sharp (Goldie Hawn)
  • the film's opening and title credits sequence) were set in NYC in 1978 at the Fairbanks Theater, where decadent, bitchy and imperious Broadway actress Madeline was the star-performer in an adapted Tennessee Williams version of 'Sweet Bird of Youth' titled Songbird!, with Ann-Margret-inspired production numbers; the show was poorly received by some early-departing patrons who criticized Madeline's aging persona (a scene similar to one in Singin' in the Rain (1952))

Songbird! Playbill Cast Down on Rainy Theater Sidewalk by a Disgruntled Patron

Madeline Ashton (Meryl Streep) - Aging Broadway Star on Stage

Audience Members: (l to r) Dr. Ernest Menville (Bruce Willis) and Fiancee Helen Sharp (Goldie Hawn)
  • backstage following the show, Madeline worried in front of a mirror: "Wrinkled, wrinkled little star, Hope they never see the scars"; she was visited there by two audience members, her friend-rival Helen Sharp and her fiancee - wimpy, mild-mannered plastic surgeon Dr. Ernest Menville (Bruce Willis), who was an exuberant fan of her performance; she met and entranced Menville after asking: "Do you think that I'm starting to need you?"
  • the scene shifted to Menville's medical office where he was performing eye-lift surgery on Madeline; Helen expressed long-held fears that she would seductively steal him away: ("She wants you because you're mine. I've lost men to her before"); she realized that he had failed "the Madeline Ashton test" - her fiancee broke off his engagement, and married Madeline instead
  • as a result of her breakup, seven years later, the overly-depressed and betrayed Helen went into a tailspin, living as a hermit in an unkempt Manhattan apartment #3C with numerous cats, and engaging in a junk-food binge, including eating from a large stock of cans of ready-made sugary cake frosting that tripled her weight to obese levels of about 200 pounds; she also became an obsessive and vengeful TV-addict, gleefully watching (and rewatching) a recorded video of one of Madeline's films in which she was choked to death
  • after being evicted by the police for not paying her rent to her landlord, and suffering a nervous breakdown; Helen was admitted to a psychiatric mental hospital in 1984 where her clinical therapy failed over a period of six months until her black psychologist (Alaina Reed Hall) suggested that Helen must obliterate Madeline from her thoughts: ("For any of us to have a life, you have got to forget about her! You have to erase her from your have to completely eliminate...")
  • another 7 years later by 1992, Madeline was living in Beverly Hills, CA, but her career had faltered and her looks had deteriorated; she had trained her maid Rose (Nancy Fish) to flatter her with praise about her good looks not just weekly but every morning; while still in bed, Madeline and husband Ernest received an invite to a book party to celebrate Helen's release of her new beauty-book novel "Forever Young"; Madeline mocked the invite card: "Oh, Forever Young! Right. And eternally fat!"
  • her marriage to her downtrodden and now-alcoholic husband Menville had become miserable; he was discovered passed out on the floor of the upstairs living room and was served a Bloody Mary by Rose as a wake-up drink; he asked about his wife: "Is it up yet?"; his beeper summoned him to his reconstructive mortician job at the West Lawn Mortuary, where his first duty that morning was to change the expression on the face of actor Fernando Rivas, who had died in his hot-tub while making love to his new 18 year-old fiancee from Cuba; the "expression of happiness" on his face was considered "completely inappropriate" by Menville's associate Mr. Franklin (William Frankfather) and required modifications
  • to prepare herself for the party, Madeline hastily paid a visit to Chagall's - her luxury, high-tech spa in BH, where she turned spiteful toward her young cosmetologist Anna Jones (Michelle Johnson) who refused to give her a second plasma separation procedure within a six month period; the tormented Madeline sobbed in despair: "Do you even care? You stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks and laugh at me!"; when Madeline offered a personal bribe, the BH spa owner Chagall (Ian Ogilvy) interceded, promptly dismissed Anna, and personally recommended treatment elsewhere; claiming he was a member of a "very select group," he offered Madeline the address of a rejuvenation specialist and New Age mystic Lisle Von Rhuman (Isabella Rossellini) [Note: The youthful Chagall wore a gold pin at his neck designating membership in her 'immortality' cult, but seemed to be having bodily-physical problems - twitching eyes.]
  • at the gala, red-carpet book party event, Helen (now aged 50) looked beautifully rejuvenated, svelte and slimmed down, radiant, and thin, wearing a sexy red dress; the jealously-raging Madeline was dumb-founded and became fearful that Helen would again steal the "unhappy" Ernest away from her; her fears were justified - while speaking to Ernest, Helen criticized Madeline was ruining his career as a plastic surgeon: "She married a brilliant surgeon and turned him into an undertaker"; she was eager to learn how Helen succeeded in becoming thin and youthful-looking
  • she was even more motivated when she happened to find her younger male lover Dakota Williams (Adam Storke) with a younger, naked female (Carrie Yazel) ("a little piece of meat") on the side, who then dumped her: "Go find someone your own age, Madeline!"; she drove erratically in a heavy rainstorm (a scene reminiscent of a similar one in The Bad and the Beautiful (1952) after Lana Turner was discarded by Kirk Douglas)
  • the envious Madeline immediately sought out the wealthy socialite who had earlier been recommended to her by Chagall (Ian Ogilvy) - a devotee of her treatment; Madeline paid a late-night visit to Lisle who lived in a towering, massive, marble-laden Gothic Beverly Hills mansion with numerous handsome bodyguards (including Fabio)
  • the beautiful enchantress Lisle was introduced, wearing only an elaborate bead necklace covering her bare breasts; she knew the reason for Madeline's visit and empathized with Madeline's misery about old age ("This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay"); she unveiled a mysterious immortality potion inside a gold box (with an Ankh symbol) and an inner egg - a youthful elixir that would cure aging and secure eternal life ("A touch of magic in this world obsessed with science. A tonic. A potion")

Lisle Von Rhuman (Isabella Rossellini)

A Box With an Ankh Symbol

Egg Structure Inside the Box

The Pink Potion Inside a Vial
  • Lisle claimed she was 71 years of age although she looked like a 38 year-old, and explained: "It stops the aging process dead in its tracks and forces it into retreat. Drink that potion and you'll never grow even one day older. Don't drink it, and continue to watch yourself rot"; Madeline was reluctant when she saw the exorbitant price to pay for the potion, and prepared to leave; Lisle pricked Madeline's finger with a knife, drew blood, and then dipped her knife in the potion, and back to Madeline's bloody cut, to demonstrate how the powerful elixir in her system revitalized her left hand and would do the same for her entire body; Madeline was very pleased with the immediate effects of the potion on her left hand - her wrinkles and age spots disappeared
  • Lisle explained how the drink was also a mixed blessing as a Faustian bargain; Madeline must conceal the potion's existence: ("The secret that we share must never become public"), and after 10 years of beauty, she was required to disappear from the public eye - "...before people become suspicious, you have to disappear from public view forever. You can retire. You can stage your own phony death or, as one of my clients simply said, 'I vant to be alone'" [Note: a reference to Greta Garbo]
  • the greedy Madeline turned over a check for payment and readily drank the potion ("Bottoms up!") - causing shivers, before Lisle could offer her another warning: ("Now a warning..."); Madeline responded incredulously: "NOW a warning?!"; Lisle urged her to treat her body well as she placed a gold pin on Madeline's bodice: "Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together a long time, be good to it. Siempre vive: Live forever"; before departing, she watched instantaneous changes taking place in her body via a mirror - she appeared more youthful and glamorous (her butt cheeks tightened and her drooping boobs rose and firmed up), and she exclaimed: "I'm a girl!"

Madeline: "Bottoms Up!"

Gold Pin Signifying 'Live Forever'

Madeline: "I'm a Girl!"
  • meanwhile during Madeline's absence, the vengeful Helen met with Ernest in his home, seduced him with a slinky red dress with a leg slit to reveal her leg, and stole his allegiance back, repeating the words: "Sexual. Sensual. Sexy. Sex. Sex. Sex!"; she convinced him to quit being weak-willed and to divorce his wife, and then join her to plot and kill Madeline; their plan (seen in a montage) was to invite her over for dinner and then overdose her with narconol (an alcohol-based tranquilizer) and booze, and stage a DUI car accident on Mulholland Dr. [Note: This was essentially the same murder plot in The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946).]
  • once Madeline returned home, she argued with Ernest and they called each other names: ("You're a cheap, tacky little tramp") and "You're a tragic, boozy, flaccid clown...You're not even a man anymore. And I need a man! A real man, not some drunken, broken-down flaccid undertaker who is just as dead below the waist as his clients are. Hey, I might have more fun with one of your clients! At least I'd know I'd be getting something stiff..."); incensed, he angrily choked her at the top of the stairs and then pushed her down the stairs where she broke her neck; in a panic, he called Helen, telling her that he believed that Madeline was dead from a lethal fall down the stairs
  • however, being immortal due to the potion, Madeline revived behind him as a 'living dead' banshee during his call; he found her approaching toward him with her head twisted backwards (180 degrees) and he screamed; [Note: A reference to Linda Blair's transformation in The Exorcist (1973)]; she performed a "backwards walk" with her rotated head, and gave a shocked cry: "My ass! I can see my ass!"; Ernest added: "And there's something really wrong with your neck, too"; she begged: "Ernest, what's wrong with me?" and he diagnosed a dislocated neck; she was able to twirl her rubbery neck around 360 degrees and straighten out her head

180 Degrees Twisted Head

"Backwards Walk" With Her Rotated Head

"My ass! I can see my ass!"
  • the two visited the Beverly Hills hospital where the attending befuddled ER doctor (Sydney Pollack) couldn't find any pulse or heartbeat; the frazzled doctor asked Ernest for a drink from his whiskey flask before he diagnosed a fractured wrist in three places and two shattered vertebrae with bone protrusions - without any pain; he declared that she was technically dead with a temperature below 80 degrees; a few moments later, the traumatized doctor's heart was being revived with defibrillator paddles in another operating room
  • Ernest also delivered his incredulous diagnosis: "You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead!" and Madeline promptly fainted; her body was sent to the morgue, where Ernest retrieved her from a body bag within a deep-freeze drawer, and returned her to their home; with materials taken from his mortuary (including formaldehyde), he repaired and freshened up her colorless, reanimated body with makeup paint
  • Helen arrived and expected to find Madeline dead as they had planned; the sneaky Madeline overheard them and realized the co-conspirators had plotted against her life (Helen: "We have to bury her in Death Valley and be done with her once and for all...She was a home wrecker. She was a man-eater. And she was a bad actress"); she approached and told the two that she had been listening; Helen exclaimed: "She's alive!"
  • the revived Madeline brandished a double-barreled shotgun and blasted her arch rival Helen Sharp's abdomen (a beaming Madeline glowed: "These are the things that make life worth living!") and sent her flying backwards into the garden pool; she then coerced Ernest through blackmail to help her prepare the body for burial: ("Do you know what they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans in prison, Ernest?")
  • when Helen rejuvenated and crawled out of the pool, she was at first ignorant of the large non-fatal hole in her midriff, and she growled: "Look at me, Ernest! Just look at me! I'm soaking wet!"; suddenly, it occurred to Madeline that Helen was also "undead" - she confirmed it when she located the pin on Helen's blouse and exclaimed how Helen had also taken Lisle's magic potion formula for her own comeback: "You took the potion!"
  • a bitch fight occurred with shovels between Helen and Madeline - accusing each other of taking the identical potion; Madeline chortled: "You're a walking lie, Helen, and I can see right through you!" while peeking through the hole; Helen struck Madeline with a shovel and temporarily dislodged her head on her very flexible neck; the shadows of the two cat-fighters were reflected onto the floor [Note: An allusion to the sword duel in The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938).]; Madeline's head was also pounded into her body - but she was able to adjust it by pulling up on it; the two cat-fighters soon gave up trying to kill each other, because it was an impossibility ("We can't even hurt each other! We can't even inflict pain!"), and they eventually reconciled
  • when Ernest told them that he was preparing to leave for good, they convinced him to repair them and touch-up their outer looks before his final departure; but when they realized that both of their bodies still needed constant upkeep, he protested staying any longer: ("'Til death do us part! Well, you girls are dead. And I'm parting, Cheers!"); they selfishly connived to keep him under their command by getting him drunk; Ernest was knocked unconscious
  • Ernest awoke next to Lisle's pool where she was swimming naked; the two had schemed to get him to drink the potion, and Lisle pricked his finger to demonstrate the potion's power; Ernest was urgently begged by Lisle to take the potion, but he was reluctant to take the elixir (even though it was offered free of charge in exchange for his surgical skills): "I don't want to live forever. I mean, it sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored?....And what if I get lonely? Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeleine and Helen?....I'll have to watch everyone around me die. I don't think this is right. This is not a dream. This is a nightmare! You people all have to be stopped"
Lisle's Offer of the Elixir-Potion to Ernest
  • he rejected drinking the potion, pocketed it, fled to another area of the mansion (pursued by her three guards Tom, Dick and Harry), and ran into a large room where Lisle (with Chagall's assistance) was hosting an evening spring party for all of her clients (with invited guests Greta Garbo (Bonnie Cahoon), Jim Morrison (Dave Brock), Marilyn Monroe (Stephanie Anderson), Andy Warhol (Bob Swain), Elvis (Ron Stein), and James Dean (Eric Clark)); as he fled via elevator to the rooftop, he was temporarily trapped and pursued by Madeline and Helen, who insisted that he drink the potion to save his life when suspended in mid-air many stories up; he adamantly refused and shouted out: "You're on your own!"
  • when the scaffolding broke, Ernest fell through the ceiling of stained glass windows (Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam) above the swimming pool where Jim Morrison (of The Doors) was poolside, accompanied by a disrobing blonde female (Lydia Peterkoch); he was able to successfully get away in James Dean's vintage Porsche, return home to pack his things, and head to the airport
  • the two rivals pursued Ernest, in vain, and finally realized and admitted that they had only each other to rely upon for support, friendship, and mutual maintenance of their deteriorating bodies: (Madeline: "We just have to be very careful with ourselves. We have to take care of each other. I'll paint your ass; you paint mine")
  • in the ending set 37 years into the future, heavily-black veiled Madeline and Helen attended (seated in the far back) a chapel funeral service for the praised and eulogized Ernest for his visionary and exemplary life and how he had learned "the secret of eternal life"; both smug, 'living dead' females in a fragile state of disrepair (for disobeying and not taking care of themselves) appeared to be living mannequins - physically-corrupted bodies with rotting, peeling, and cracked gray flesh; during their hasty, premature departure to touch up their bodies, they noisily and disruptively left the memorial service

At Ernest's Funeral 37 Years Later

Shattered Into Pieces: "Do you remember where you parked the car?"
  • as they proceeded down the outdoor steps of the church chattily complaining to each other, Helen lost her footing on their earlier dropped can of spray paint, and she tumbled down the flight of steps, deliberately taking Madeline with her; both of their bodies shattered into large pieces at the curbside - one of their disembodied hands annoyedly drummed its fingers; Helen's decapitated head sardonically muttered to Madeline's head: "Do you remember where you parked the car?"

Helen Sharp 7 Years Later - Obese and In a Tailspin

A Video of Madeline Being Strangled to Death - Watched Gleefully by Helen

Disturbed Helen In Physical Therapy in a Mental Institution

An Aging Madeline in 1992 in Beverly Hills, CA

Dr. Menville - Mortician at the West Lawn Mortuary

Madeline's 22 Year-old BH Spa Specialist Anna Jones (Michelle Johnson)

Spa Owner Chagall (Ian Ogilvy) - With a Gold Pin at his Neck, and With Eye Problems

Madeline with a Rejuvenated Helen at the Book Party Event

Madeline Entranced by the Magic Potion to Offer Youth

The Elixir Surging Through Cut in Madeline's Pricked Finger on Her Left Hand

Helen's Sexy Seduction and Scheming with Ernest to Divorce Madeline and Then Kill Her

Montage of a Planned Plot to Kill Madeline In a Staged DUI Accident

Madeline Angrily Choked by Ernest at Top of Stairs and Pushed, Found With a Broken Neck

"Ernest, What's Wrong With Me?"

The Befuddled Doctor (Sydney Pollack) at the Beverly Hills Hospital

Helen Blasted in the Abdomen by a Revived Madeline's Shotgun

Madeline's Flexible Head During Bitch Fight With Shovels

The Two Co-Conspirators Plot To Get Ernest To Stay To Tend to Their Bodies

To Ernest: "Drink it!"

"We have to take care of each other"

Defending Your Life (1991)

  • writer/director/actor Albert Brooks' fantasy romantic comedy was about life after death in an anteroom (or purgatory); it was similar in plot to Ferenc Molnár's 1909 Hungarian play "Liliom" that became the basis for Rodgers-Hammerstein's 1945 Broadway musical Carousel, that also became a feature film in 1956; another film that examined the afterlife was What Dreams May Come (1998)
  • in the opening scene of the philosophical, mature, offbeat and witty existential tale, an Everyman character on his 39th birthday was being celebrated after almost 10 years of work; successful, divorced yuppie LA advertising chief executive Daniel Miller (Albert Brooks) thanked his co-workers at Foote, Cone & Belding: ("So, you're great people to work with, and this is a great present, and I wish I could squeeze all of you into one pretty woman. (laughter) And if you'd like to go to my office, I'll try. (laughter) Thanks a lot")
  • on the way to pick up a new black BMW convertible (a $39,000 gift to himself) in a co-worker's (James Eckhouse) Jeep, he made fun of the Jeep owner for having "a battering ram - this is what Patton drove" rather than an urban vehicle; he also told how he wanted to spend his birthday alone driving in his car: "You were born alone, you should celebrate it. Celebrate aloneness. That's what birthdays are for"
  • as he drove away from the dealership in his new BMW 325i, he was distracted while listening to Barbra Streisand's rendition of "Something's Coming" from West Side Story (1961) on the car's CD player; his birthday gifts (a pile of music CDs) from the office party fell to the floor of the car, and as he reached down to retrieve them, his lack of attention caused his car to swerve into the other lane of oncoming traffic and directly into a city bus; he screamed as he realized he was about to experience a fatal crash, but it was too late
  • in the next scene under the title credits, he woke up and found himself in a gleaming, post-death way-station known as "Judgment City" with familiar surroundings; in an other-worldly, bureaucratic setting where most of the film then took place over the next five days, he began his afterlife dressed in a hospital gown while pushed in a wheelchair by heavenly attendants down a long corridor with other newly-dead elderly individuals; with them, he was placed on an open-air tram that took him downtown to the Continental Hotel for the night in a standard hotel-room
  • after resting in a hotel for a good night's sleep, Daniel was phoned by his defense lawyer - the patronizing Defender Bob Diamond (Rip Torn) from a large downtown defense law-firm; later, it was stated that it handled "half of the United States' dead. That's about 2,500 people a day"; he was instructed to take the tram to his office to meet together; in a nutshell, he explained: "You're here to defend your life, and I'm going to help you"
  • he also informed Daniel that he could eat whatever he wanted in Judgment City without gaining weight at the buffets, and he could start with breakfast: ("It's not only the best food you'll ever have, but you can eat all you want....As long as you're here, you can eat all you want. It won't affect you physically, and you won't gain weight")

TV Game Show: "Your Biggest Fear"

Ted's House of Buffet TV Advertisement for All-You-Can-Eat
  • on one of the TV channels, Daniel watched a prophetic game-show titled "Your Biggest Fear" with a moderator (James MacKrell) who challenged two contestants (Wil Albert and Sage Allen) to face their greatest fear; another channel advertised and tauted "All-You-Can-Eat": "Want to eat a lot? Ted's House of Buffet says you can have everything you see, plus more. Our chefs will cook it, but they won't look"; the Weather Channel forecast 74 degrees and "perfectly clear" skies "all the time"
  • before eating at the Continental Cafe, he read the menu that asked: "Good Morning, How Shall Ye Be Judged? Take the Eggs, I Pray Thee"; after ordering a breakfast of a cheese omelet and OJ from a cheerful waitress (Mary Pat Gleason), he was quickly served a personally-made meal, and then was hurriedly dispatched to a tram to take him downtown to the Defenders Circle to meet with his lawyer; an elderly woman (Maxine Elliott) on the tram asked about how he died: "Oh, so young! AIDS?"
  • he was met at the tram by Diamond's assistant Helen (Marilyn Rockafellow) who assured Daniel that everything was designed to be "stress-free" and as much like Earth as possible; in a meeting with Diamond in his office, Daniel was told that he was not in either Heaven or Hell; Diamond joked: "Actually, there is no hell. Although I hear Los Angeles is getting pretty close"
  • Daniel was informed about an upcoming 5-day trial to examine and evaluate his entire recorded lifetime, and determine if he had made the most of his life, become smarter, and learned from his mistakes so that he could "move forward"; Diamond also told Daniel that earthlings, including Daniel, only used about 3-5% of their brain capacity; he explained: "When you use more than five per cent of your brain, you don’t want to be on Earth, believe me. Well, not that your take-out places are lovely, but there are more exciting destinations for smarter people"; with his "little brain," Daniel was told he often dealt with fear ("Fear is like a giant fog. It sits on your brain and blocks everything… Real feelings, true happiness, real joy")
  • during a process of self-examination and exposure during a "trial," Daniel would have to defend his life's actions, and would be judged to determine whether he would be advancing to a new phase of existence (Heaven) or heading back to live a reincarnated life all over again on Earth, to advance himself and become smarter and less fearful; when Daniel worried if he didn't advance, he was told: "Eventually, they'll throw you away"; Daniel's lawyer revealed that he had already endured 20 similar trials, making Daniel label himself as "the dunce of the universe"
  • it was further explained how Daniel's tenacious prosecutor was Lena Foster (Lee Grant), aka "The Dragon Lady," who was determined to examine and prove that Daniel's life had been completely guided by fear; during a 4-day trial period, nine days or episodes from Daniel's life would be evaluated
  • at an outdoor garden restaurant with Diamond, he sampled some of his lawyer's meatloaf lunch order and spit it out, as Diamond mused: "A little like horses--t, huh?"; Daniel reacted: 'Eww! This is what smart people eat?"; during their meal, Daniel neglected to answer Diamond's question about his generosity and donations toward charity and others
  • that evening, Daniel was entertained at The Bomb Shelter - a comedy club with an audience of the recently-deceased, where he was asked by an unfunny comedian (Roger Behr) performing on-stage: "How'd you die?", Daniel retorted: "On stage, like you!" - and his response actually brought laughter from the audience; Daniel met another recently-dead fellow soul - a youthful, kind individual named Julia (Meryl Streep); he remarked that the two of them were among the few souls-in-transit that were under one hundred years old
  • they compared circumstances as they strolled around the hotel grounds at night and became acquainted with light-hearted conversation; she appeared optimistic about her 4-day court evaluation and advancement due to her seemingly-perfect life, but the anxiety-ridden Daniel was not as hopeful: ("I'll write you from hell"); she told how she was married and had two children (7 year-old Stephanie and adopted 9 year-old Adam); she was housed in a luxury Majestic Hotel reflecting her personal advancement - more upscale than Daniel's hotel: ("Obviously, the place for people who weren't generous and didn't adopt anybody")

Julia and Daniel Meet and Become Acquainted at the Comedy Club

Strolling in the Garden and Comparing Circumstances
  • the next day in the high rise Judgment Center, Daniel's 4-day courtroom-like "trial" in the afterlife limbo was conducted in a dark room before his tough prosecutor Lena Foster and two presiding judges (George D. Wallace and Lillian Lehman); Lena opened by arguing that he had always been guided, plagued and held back by fear and risk-aversion throughout his lifetimes; if he didn't pass the court's ruling, he would be returned to another reincarnated life on Earth "to work on this problem"
  • on a realistic 3D movie screen, Lena played a flashbacked series of Daniel's past as a young 11 year-old boy (Raffi Di Blasio), refusing to fight for himself against a school bully (Kristopher Kent Hill); she insisted it represented fear, although Diamond counter-argued that Daniel was only being restrained; a second video showed a very young Daniel (Matthew Scharch) witnessing his parents (S. Scott Bullock and Carol Bivins) having a violent argument over money; a third video showed how Daniel played a part in covering for male classmate Steve on probation who was threatened with expulsion from school for stealing books; he offered his art supplies to the boy and then lied to his teacher Mr. Wadworth (Gary Ballard); that evening, he "crumbled" and confessed to his father that he had lied to protect Steve, and the boy was expelled anyway two days later

Daniel as 11 Year Old With an Intimidating Bully

Daniel as Infant With Arguing Parents

Daniel Covering For Classmate Steve
  • after the first day of testimony, Daniel wandered on the streets to a sushi restaurant where he was warmly greeted by the three Japanese chefs and served sake and tuna; after Daniel admitted he was having nine days of his life reviewed, another pudgy-faced patron named Frank (Ken Thorley) told how his trial consisted of 15 days; Frank was shot in the head in a hunting accident, and had been employed as an adult book seller; he claimed he had coined the phrase "All-Nude" for his strip club near the LA airport that "doubled business in a month"
  • during the second day of the "trial," Daniel was upset that he was to be defended for the day by Diamond's replacement lawyer Dick Stanley (Buck Henry) who claimed he used 51% of his brain; during further sessions in the courtroom, more of Daniel's "misjudgments" and lack of courage were surveyed; Lena presented how the overly-cautious and fearful 24 year-old Daniel had been given a solid investment tip, but declined to invest $10,000 of his own money on profitable Casio consumer electronics stock (that would now be worth $37.2 million); Daniel was frustrated with criticism of his financial choices and judgment: "I can't believe that the whole point of the universe is, is to make money"; it was also shown that Daniel, who had rehearsed salary negotiations for his advertising executive job with his wife (Susan Walters), had "caved" (due to fear) and failed to negotiate for $65,000 and immediately accepted a low-ball offer of $49,000 from his boss
  • Lena then reviewed Daniel's past history and argued that it was filled with many bad decisions, anxiety, blunders and mishaps: (164 in total over a 12 year period), and how Daniel made continual efforts to avoid confrontation and neglect opportunities presented to him: (Lena: "Half of them fear-based, half of them just stupid"), i.e., disasters including gargling with a bottle of Prell, being taken advantage of by used car salesmen, misusing an electric circular saw and a chainsaw causing accidents, falling off a roof while installing a TV antenna, etc.
  • in her own trial, Julia was being defended by black lawyer Sam (Leonard O. Turner) - causing Daniel to be unduly jealous; Daniel proceeded with Julia to the "Hall of Records" in the Disneyland-like Past Lives Pavilion and were led to a private viewing room for the next show of peoples' former lives (a maximum of five past lives were available); all of them received a greeting by holographic host Shirley MacLaine (Herself in a cameo appearance; she was cast due to her well-publicized belief in reincarnation); in one of the viewing booths, an off-screen woman exclaimed when she saw Shirley: "Oh my God!"
  • an old gray-haired man (Hal Landon Jr.) saw that his past incarnation was as a prim young Victorian girl named Elizabeth (Noley Thornton) - and he reacted with disgust ("What the hell is this?"); another elderly overweight woman (Ida Lee) was depicted in her past as a sumo wrestler (Glen Chin) - and she screamed; Daniel looked in his past's mirror, and found out that in a former life, he was a tribal native (James Ekim) who was fleeing for his life to avoid being "dinner" for a hungry, growling lion; Julia learned that in a past life, she had been Prince Valiant on horseback with a sword; other past lives were as a whaler and tailor; Daniel's only other viewed past life was as a dressmaker; on their tram ride back to Judgment City, he said he felt assured and OK being with her
In the Past Lives Pavilion

Beginning to Fall in Love

"Holographic" Pavilion Host Shirley MacLaine

Old Man as Young Victorian Girl

Old Woman as Sumo Wrestler

Daniel as a Tribal Native in His Former Life

Julia as Prince Valiant
  • while playing miniature golf together, Julia shared that she had accidentally died due to tripping, causing a lethal head injury on cement and drowning in a swimming pool; at the end of the evening, they made plans to have dinner at 5 pm after their next third day on trial; upon parting, they kissed - revealing that they were falling in love with each other
  • in Daniel's third day at trial, Lena presented evidence that the self-doubting, anxious 34 year-old Daniel lost out on career advancement when due to stage fright, he opted out of an important speech to a large audience when representing West Coast advertising agencies to the Ford Motor Company; he was saved by a report of a gas leak that cleared the room; to counteract Lena's claims, Diamond defended Daniel's courage when he saved himself by walking three miles with a broken leg after a snow-mobile crash at Big Bear, CA; in a hilarious monologue, Daniel explained how he hated snowmobiles and never rode one again
  • after his 3rd hearing was over, Daniel listened in on Julia's enjoyable life-review trial where she was judged by a prosecutor (Cliff Einstein) and two other judges (Rachel Bard and Newell Alexander); she was lauded and praised for rescuing her two children (Shana Ballard and Chris Macris) - and the family cat (in a daring return) - from their burning house
  • during dinner together at an Italian restaurant, their helpful waiter Eduardo (James Manis) brought Daniel nine pies, each representing the days or episodes of his life being examined during his trial; Daniel nervously realized that his prosecutor was watching him; Eduardo further embarrassed Daniel by offering to also bring him steaks for take-out
  • after dinner in her hotel's lobby during their last night together, Julia admitted to Daniel that she felt "effortless" with him in their relationship so far; Daniel was invited by Julia to spend the night together ("Want to spend the night with me?"), but although he wanted to ("More than anything else in the world...I don't think I can. I don't think I should....This is already better than any sex I've ever had, ever! And, I don't want to screw it up, literally"), he refused due to his fears of judgment and general paranoia: ("I just don't want to be judged anymore... I'm just tired of being judged"); he feared that he would fail the last day's defense of his life's review, while she would be successful and proceed on to another place; they kissed and sadly bid each other good-bye

Julia Admitting Their Relationship So Far Was "Effortless"

Julia to Daniel: "Want to spend the night with me?"

Daniel Declining to Spend the Night With Julia
  • shortly later upon arrival at his own hotel, he had second-thoughts and attempted to call Julia, but he didn't know her last name, and there were two Julias; he left a message with the operator for her: "Tell them both that I love them more than life itself and I've never met anybody like them and I'll miss them forever and ever"
  • in the last day at trial during final summation arguments, Lena used Daniel's previous night's fearful refusal of Julia's invitation as further evidence against him, to prove that his fears again kept him from "becoming a remarkable citizen of the universe"; Daniel even boldly admitted: "I was afraid"; Diamond's counter-argument was that Daniel was only being caring and thoughtful about "another human being's feelings"; in less than 30 minutes, the judgment was rendered - the two judges decided to return Daniel to Earth: ("You're going back!")

Extracting Himself From His Tram

Dodging Other Trams

Julia Reaching Out to Him
  • as he was departing on his "Destination Tram," the self-confident Julia called out to him from another celestial tram heading in the opposite direction toward her next stage; without fear for his life or hesitation, the love-sick Daniel bravely and defiantly broke open his seat belt buckle, forced open his tram doors, and ran to her; he made extraordinary efforts to try to be with her, risking being run over, electrocution and death as he exited his tram, located her tram and banged on her tram doors: ("I love you...I won't let you go!...Julia, wait for me!")
  • Lena and the two judges who were watching on closed circuit TV at the Judgment Center were asked by Diamond: "Brave enough for you?" - a decision was rendered to allow the two to be reunited and together ("Let him go") as the film concluded on a romantic note - they embraced, kissed, and journeyed together toward the next phase of their existence

39th Birthday Party Speech by Daniel Miller (Albert Brooks) to Co-Workers

Distracted Driving Death - Lethal Collision With Bus

On the Tram in Judgment City to the Continental Hotel

Daniel's Defense Lawyer Bob Diamond (Rip Torn)

Ordering Breakfast at the Hotel's Continental Cafe

A Concerned Daniel with Diamond, Learning About How His Previous Lifetime Would Now Be Examined - And If He Failed, He Would Be Sent Back to Earth

Lunch With Diamond

The Bomb Shelter Club

Julia (Meryl Streep) at the Comedy Club

Daniel's Retort to Comedian On Stage

Daniel on Trial at the Judgment Center

Daniel's Prosecutor ("Dragon Lady") Lena Foster (Lee Grant)

Daniel's "Trial" Before Two Judges - A Thorough Review of His Life Via Nine Episodes

Frank at Sushi Restaurant

Daniel's 2nd Day Replacement Lawyer Dick Stanley (Buck Henry)

24 Year-Old Daniel Unwisely Fearful of Investing in Casio Stock

Daniel With His Wife (Susan Walters) Rehearsing Salary Negotiations For His Advertising Job

Julia's Defense Lawyer Sam (Leonard O. Turner)

The Past Lives Pavilion

Their First Kiss After Two Days of Trial

Daniel's Stage Fright Before an Audience

Daniel's Monologue About His Hatred for Snowmobiles

Julia's Brave Rescue of Her Two Children from Their Burning House

Helpful Waiter Eduardo (James Manis) During Dinner at an Italian Restaurant

Daniel On His Way to Tram Back to Earth

Daniel and Julia Reunited in the Uplifting Conclusion

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

  • this vulgar, bad-taste, non-PC sex comedy directed by Mike Mitchell (and produced by Adam Sandler's production company, plus co-scripted by star Rob Schneider) was mostly slightly disgusting with some humor; the sequel was Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)
  • in the opening title credits, hapless, insecure fish tank cleaner Deuce Bigalow (former SNL cast member Rob Schneider in his first starring role) was fired from his Los Angeles Aquarium job cleaning algae from fish tanks in the nude; desperate for sex, he approached blonde tropical fish supply store clerk Allison (Bree Turner) at the Go Fish store who declined a date invitation; he asked her to retrieve sea snails from the far bottom of a tank, requiring her to dip into the water with her T-shirt and reveal her nipples; he departed with: "Have a good nipple!"
In a Fish Supply Store, Clerk Allison (Bree Turner) Dipping Her T-Shirt into Wet Aquarium Tank
  • during a Malibu Beach house call as a contracted fish-tank cleaner, he met handsome, bearded Argentinian male gigolo Antoine Laconte (Oded Fehr) with a blonde (Gabrielle Tuite) in his Porsche; inside his luxurious pad, Antoine showed off his custom, hand-made $6,000 dollar fish tank and his prized $1,000 dollar Chinese Tailbar Lionfish; the intimidating Antoine briefly excused himself: "Must make pee-pee," and a torrent of tinkling water was heard from the nearby bathroom; the buffed gravity-boot aficionado bragged to the wimpy Deuce: "Women pay me to give them pleasure"; Deuce was astonished and wondered why he hadn't been advised to take that kind of job in HS: "I'm gonna kill my guidance counselor"
  • while his client was absent on a three-week business trip to Switzerland, Deuce agreed to baby-sit Antoine's house and his precious fish: ("I would be honored to care for your fish!") after seeing one of his glamorous female clients; however, he was ominously warned: "You mess up anything in my apartment, I'll shove it up your ass"
  • almost immediately, Deuce set the kitchen on fire with the toaster while warming a huge grilled cheese sandwich, and while incapacitated on Antoine's gravity boot apparatus, he received an extra warning on the answering machine: "You just make sure you keep my apartment clean or you will die. Bye bye"; the aquarium tank was completely destroyed (although Deuce cleverly saved the fish with various water receptacles), with $6,000 dollars of damage that needed to be repaid in three weeks
  • a late night phone call from one of Antoine's "naked" clients sent Deuce to the home of Margaret (Marlo Thomas in a cameo) wearing a black negligee where she requested that he pretend to be a half-naked, lost German tourist named Heinz in NYC; her vicious German shepherd Wolfy growled and broke through an adjoining door as she urged: "Now you just focus on your little wiener schnitzel," but he was forced to flee as she stuffed a $10 dollar bill in his scanty red briefs; it dawned on Deuce that he could make money selling himself ("possible career change")

Client Margaret (Marlo Thomas)

"$10 dollars, yeah!" - Deuce Realized to Himself: "Possible career change"

Hooker Claire (Gail O'Grady) Who Charged Deuce $500 Dollars For Her Services
  • at a bar, the clueless Deuce picked up a blonde prostitute named Claire (Gail O'Grady) who did a "role-reversal" on him back at Antoine's Malibu beach house when he asked for a $10 dollar payment - and she insisted to the disbelieving Deuce that he pay her $500 dollars: (Deuce: "Okay, 300, 400, 500, you're my hooker. No, seriously, where's my ten dollars?"); with impressive karate kicks to his face and crotch, she ordered: "Five hundred dollars or the fish gets it" - while threatening to chew up Antoine's expensive fish in a food blender, but then ran off knowing that Antoine might retaliate against her
  • the next day, Claire's pimp Tiberius Jefferson "T.J." Hicks (Eddie Griffin) paid a visit, and declared that he'd rather be called a "male-madam" than a pimp; he claimed to represent "man-whores" such as Deuce who needed his services; illustrating a lecture about the gigolo food chain, he used three varieties of tropical fish in fishbowls; according to him, Antoine was at the top and didn't need a pimp; the "mid-level fish" who worked in hotels, conventions, and senior centers were those who often required the services of a pimp, while Deuce was like the lowest bottom-feeder in the cycle: ("If you work hard and listen to me, this could be you")
  • TJ warned about Antoine's bad temper: "One time, I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet, and he made me pick it up with my anus"; Deuce acquired TJ as his "male-madam" and took over Antoine's profession as a "man-whore" for a "couple of jobs," in order to pay back his debt to Antoine; after a frizzy-haired makeover and a bare-buns wax job at a salon to the tune of Hot Chocolate's "Sexy Thing," TJ provided one other piece of advice: "You a man-whore now. I'm so proud....Now remember, it's a business. Never, ever fall in love"
  • throughout the remainder of the film, Deuce went on many dates (in a series of comical vignettes) comprised of grotesque liaisons with various people who had emotional and physical handicaps or abnormalities, such as obesity, gigantism, and narcolepsy
  • his first official client was "full-figured" 750 pound transvestite Fluisa/Jabba Lady (Los Angeles radio personality Big Boy), who was lounging on an upstairs bed: "You're thinkin' those are the biggest boobies you've ever seen...I'm not your average woman"; while conducting "idle chit-chat" with him, she asked with overwhelming sexual innuendo: "You ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar?...You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?"; obsessed with food and eating, they engaged in a fun game of "fast food trivia" - that Jabba happily and easily won four times
  • afterwards, TJ congratulated Deuce for satisfying Jabba's special needs: "Nobody has ever pleasured Jabba the Slut. Deucey, you have a way of satisfying a woman that would sicken a normal man"; he realized: "You must have a magical 'man-gina''...It's a professional term we man-whores use to describe our he-pussy"; at first, Deuce threatened to quit prostituting himself - reluctant to continue as an "ungrateful he-bitch"
  • while considering his future as a "man-whore" during a bathroom break at an exclusive restaurant, Deuce had a father-son heart-to-heart talk about "romance" with his father Bob Bigelow (Richard Riehle) who worked there as the men's room attendant; in between farts heard from a toilet stall in the background, he described how he met Deuce's mother - he implied that she was a good-time "Bangkok Betty" hooker that he had paid 200 baht for sex in a strip club, and two days later he married her; Deuce asked: "So, do you think I should be more of a risk-taker?" and his father replied: "Worked for me"
  • Deuce's next 'man-whore' date was with Tina (Torsten Voges) - a gigantic, 7 1/2 foot tall woman (whose face was always off-screen) who was afflicted with a pituitary gland disorder; she claimed she was from Norway; as he walked along on a sidewalk next to her, she dwarfed him and had huge feet, and off-screen, un-called-for insults were heard from cruel observers: "Freak!...Holy S--t, it's Bigfoot!...Hey, keep it in the circus!...That's a huge bitch!"; Tina claimed: "I had a pituitary gland procedure at UCLA Medical Center and I just fell in love with the people here"; back in her place, she carried him to the bedroom, threw him on a bed, and ripped off his clothes; he satisfied her non-sexually by making her orgasmic when he touched and massaged her large feet
  • on his way from Tina's place, Deuce was confronted by angry LAPD Detective Charles "Chuck" Fowler (William Forsythe), who was hot on the trail of known gigolo Antoine: ("You tell Antoine, I'm gonna nail him"); he also divulged, as he unzipped his trousers and exposed himself, that he was a "loser" obsessed about his own small penis size
  • Deuce's next client was cute, anti-social Tourette's Syndrome sufferer Ruth (Amy Poehler), who yelled at him through the door intercom: "Goddamn it!"; as they drove off together in a convertible, she uncontrollably screamed: "Shove it up your ass!"; she added: "Ball sweat! Anus! Anus licker...Nipple biter! Naah-naah-naah-naah...Scrotum! Sperm! Sperm face!...Vulva!...Jizz! Jizz trap!...Ehh-- Fart! Dildo! Big -- Big, big titties! S--t! S--t whore!"; Deuce took her to a big-league baseball game, where she worried she would disrupt people around them in the stadium - but her outbursts seemed to fit in: "Crap muncher!...Assholes!...Ball hair!...Scrotum licker!" and she was able to encourage people around them to join her and chant: "Piss face! Piss face! Piss face!"

Ruth Screaming: "Shove it up your ass!"

At a Ballgame: "Piss Face!"
  • Deuce's next client-date was a recent college graduate whose girlfriends pitched in for her first blind date; he met her in a sushi restaurant where he was astonished that she was a normal-looking, pretty young blonde named Kate (Arija Bareikis); after dinner during a stroll through an amusement park, it appeared that they were talking about sex when she demurred: "I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there"; however, she was referring to space exploration, and she asserted: "I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt"; after a wonderful evening and goodbye, Deuce found himself ignoring TJ's advice to not fall in love with one of his clients ("she-johns")
  • the detective had been stalking them, confronted Deuce as he returned to his car, and threatened to bust him for being a man-whore: ("Why don't I just go a have a little chat with your spicy tuna roll?"), but then blackmailed Deuce to produce Antoine's "black book" of clients within three days; he again exposed himself to complain about a mysterious "red spot" on his genitals
  • Carol (Deborah Lemen), Deuce's next client, was suffering from a sleeping disorder known as narcolepsy - she had an attack when answering the door and fell at his feet; she explained at a bowling alley: "I'm just not allowed to fly in a plane or drive a car or work in a gun range"; while throwing a bowling ball down the alley and getting a strike, she had an attack and was stretched out on the bowling lane; later, she worried at a restaurant: "I've always wanted to try soup, but there's the fear of drowning"; there were sounds of her tumbling down her front stairs behind the front door after saying goodbye to Deuce
  • to the tune of Smash Mouth's "Can't Get Enough of You Baby," Deuce went on more dates with the same clients, earning enough money to fix up Antoine's damaged Malibu home and tank; he became particularly enamoured with Kate, and reluctantly introduced her to his father on his birthday at the restaurant; Kate bought him a Raspberry bibingka cake at a Filipino bakery; he shared an embarrassing remark about Deuce's mother Bangkok Betty: "She had the most amazing mouth. It paid for our honeymoon"; Deuce was further embarrassed when his father's boss Vic (Allen Covert) called upon him to clean up "s--t everywhere" in the ladies' restroom: "I am up to my ankles in human crap. It's a real stinkfest back there"; to Deuce's surprise, Kate was very accepting of his father's lowly profession

Another Date with Kate

At the Restaurant, Deuce's Father Met Kate and Embarrassed Deuce With His Lowly Profession

Deuce With Kate in Her Bedroom

Deuce with Kate's Disconnected Prosthetic Leg
  • to the tune of Walter Egan's "Magnet and Steel," after returning back to Kate's home, they clumsily tried to be quiet to avoid waking up Kate's blind roommate Bergita (Dina Platias) as they raced to the upstairs bedroom while undressing each other to have sex; with the lights out, she shyly admitted that there might be "things about me that you don't like" and that her physical body was "maybe a little different than what you were used to" - it was revealed that she had a prosthetic leg when it "fell off" or became "disconnected" in Deuce's hands; completely embarrassed, she asked him to leave, but he fully accepted her and called himself: "the luckiest guy in the world"; they woke up in each other's arms
  • Deuce met with Kate's four bachelorette best friends at her sorority Alpha Beta Lamda who were upset that Deuce - a "prostitute" (or "man-whore") - was dating Kate; he vowed he was in love with Kate and was returning the money they had paid for her first blind date with a stranger, but they chastised him: "You stay away from her, man-whore!"
  • meanwhile, Detective Fowler was again demanding Antoine's black book (and threatening jail time), although to Deuce, he appeared more worried about toilet splash when he didn't use a "paper ass gasket" in the precinct's dirty toilet; Deuce met with TJ and vowed to quit and earn the money some other way to fix Antoine's apartment: "I'm gonna get the rest of the money the old-fashioned way"; when he went to speak to Kate, she accused him of lying to her: "You were paid to go out with me!" - and she broke up with him; he was saddened during a montage to the tune of Sean Beal's "Can't Smile Without You," but was still determined to get the balance of money needed to complete the renovations
  • Deuce was summoned by phone to a ritzy LA hotel room to provide sexual services for another of Antoine's clients - revealed later to be Elaine Fowler (Jacqueline Obradors) - the Detective's unsatisfied wife living in Santa Clarita, CA, who began to strip off Deuce's clothes in anticipation of having sex; to fulfill her payment for services without consummation (due to his love for Kate), he offered to perform an erotic dance for her to the tune of KC and the Sunshine Band's "Get Down Tonight"; when they exited after the evening's entertainment from an elevator into the lobby, Kate saw them together - confirming for her that Deuce was an inveterate liar - she slapped him across the face: "I just had to see for myself"
  • Deuce surmised that Detective Fowler's pursuit of Antoine had nothing to do with retrieving his black book, but was about seeking revenge for Elaine's promiscuity with Antoine; the penis-obsessed Fowler admitted his small genital size and thin width as the reason for Elaine's pursuit of extra-marital sex - "My dick is too thin...I've got the thinnest penis in the world! Here. It's like a Twizzler. Look!...I'm telling you now, if you painted it silver and twisted it on the end, it'd look like a kickstand...We're talkin' spaghetti stick"; Deuce talked sense into Fowler about why his wife was dissatisfied: "If man-whoring has taught me anything, it's that most women are as unhappy with their entire body as you are with your small penis" - he suggested that Fowler "say something nice to make your woman feel sexy" to solve his own personal issues and fix his marriage; shortly later, Deuce taught Fowler how to strip-dance in Elaine's presence
  • after speaking to his boss, Fowler apologized and made amends with Deuce: "I really appreciate you helping me. I guess I misjudged you," but Fowler continued to insist that Deuce betray his friend-pimp TJ, or he would face charges of prostitution himself
  • a court hearing was called, when the District Attorney (Robb Skyler) declared: "Mr. Bigalow has compounded this crime by refusing to name his he-pimp"; he was charged with five counts of prostitution; suddenly, Jabba Lady made a grand entrance into the courtroom, burped, and then testified on Deuce's behalf: ("We never had sex. We talked about it. Well, I talked about it. But Deuce never took advantage of me. He should have. But he's my friend. He made me realize that I wasn't just some hot babe with huge tits. Even though I am. Oh, and he also got me walkin' again")
  • in further testimony, Tina also admitted how much Deuce had helped her without resorting to sex: ("Deuce and I never had sex. It was physically impossible....It's true I paid him money to be with him, and I'd do it again because he made me feel good about myself....And no one ever touched my feet before"); Ruth also claimed: "Deuce taught me to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you, Deuce", and then uncontrollably yelled out: "Y-- Asshole!"
  • Deuce admitted to the Judge that he had sex with just one woman - Kate - and then vowed: "And I'm in love with her"; the case was dismissed by Judge Addison (Ron Soble) because Kate hadn't paid him for sex (he had returned the money anyway)
  • Deuce snuck into Kate's hair transplant office as a patient to be able to converse with her during her work day as Dr. Rosenblatt's (Barry Cutler) assistant; he apologized: ("This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened 'cause I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was...You're perfect in every way"), and then he read to her about his love: "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world"
  • the finishing touches were being put on Antoine's home with help provided by some of Deuce's clients and friends, with time constraints as he was to arrive back soon; at the airport, Antoine was detained and strip-searched by Tina dressed in a security uniform; the fish tank had been rebuilt, but to everyone's horror, the blind Bergita served up margaritas (actually, Antoine's prized fish ground-up in a blender); with donations of $800 from friends, Deuce purchased replacement fish at the Go Fish store from Allison and raced home just in time; when the suspicious Antoine arrived, he asked to drink the "chocoloate margarita" concoction with a spicy taste in the blender; then, Antoine tapped on the glass of his aquarium as he noted the fish looked smaller, and the entire side of the tank cracked and flooded the floor
  • with Antoine fuming, Deuce admitted he had done some 'man-whoring' during his absence but not with his clients; the enraged Antoine fought Deuce with a battle-axe, who defended himself with Kate's prosthetic leg; Deuce also assumed a slo-mo "bullet-time" Matrix position to dodge other hurled objects; Antoine then fired his crossbow weapon at Deuce, but Fluisa/Jabba Lady stepped in-between them and was hit in the chest - fortunately, she had a roasted chicken stuffed into her bodice
  • as the film concluded, Detective Fowler busted Antoine, Bergita regained her eyesight (after time hidden in a closet with TJ), and Deuce and Kate became a couple; during the end credits, revelations were unveiled: (1) Deuce's father became a full-time man-whore and increased his salary, (2) Ruth founded an all-girls Tourette's school - The Dicklick Shitballs Academy, (3) Carol took a dream trip to France and tumbled off the Eiffel Tower, (4) after liposuction, Big Daddy became a Victoria's Secret top model, (5) orange-suited Antoine was with Tina and the two were destined to have tall and hairy kids, and (6) TJ starred in a hit sitcom titled: "Hanging with Mr. Man-pimp"

Opening Credits: Deuce Bigalow - Fired For Cleaning an Aquarium Tank in the Nude

Hapless Deuce Bigalow (Rob Schneider)

Male Gigolo Antoine Laconte (Oded Fehr)

"Women Pay Me to Give Them Pleasure"

Fire in Antoine's Kitchen

Tiberius Jefferson "T.J." Hicks (Eddie Griffin)

T.J.'s Lecture to Deuce About Three Levels on the Gigolo Food Chain

Man-Whore Deuce's First Official Client:

Fluisa/Jabba Lady (Big Boy)

Deuce's Father During Heart-to-Heart Talk in Bathroom

Deuce with Gigantic Tina (Torsten Voges)

Deuce Touching Tina's Orgasmic Large Feet

Detective "Chuck" Fowler (William Forsythe)

Kate (Arija Bareikis)

Kate Talking Not About Sex But Space Exploration

Carol at Her Door - Seconds Away From Collapsing Due to Narcolepsy

Kate's Best Friends in Sorority House Who Paid for Kate to Have Sex

Deuce's Next Client - Gorgeous Elaine (Jacqueline Obradors)

Deuce's Erotic Dance for Elaine

Elaine - Revealed to Be Detective Fowler's Wife

Fowler to Deuce: "My dick is too thin!"

Jabba Lady's Grand Entrance into Courtroom to Testify on Deuce's Behalf

Tina: "Deuce and I Never Had Sex..."

Ruth: "Y-- Asshole!"

Deuce Telling Kate of His Love in Her Hair-Transplant Office

Deuce Protecting Himself in Matrix pose

Diner (1982)

  • writer/director Barry Levinson's influential period comedy film and character study of male friendship was a classic episodic rites-of-passage film set in the late 50s; it centered around a Baltimore, Maryland diner, where six Jewish male buddies in their twenties hung out for six days between Christmas and New Years; the ensemble comedy's taglines expressed the film's theme: "What they wanted most wasn't on the menu" and "Suddenly, life was more than french fries, gravy, and girls"; on a budget of $5 million, it made less than $15 million, and lost its sole Academy Award nomination (Best Original Screenplay)
  • many of the scenes in the film (over an extended Christmas holiday period in 1959) were held at the Fells Point Diner between a group of six post high-school graduate male friends - featuring their many fast-paced, late night, often mindless, guy-talk discussions (with overlapping dialogue, both scripted and improvisational); an approaching marriage for one member of the group brought the confused, struggling, chauvinistic group together at the diner for more eating and drinking, arguing, and talking about sex, sports trivia, the direction of their lives, and 45 rpm records

(l to r): Fenwick and Boogie

(l to r): Wife Beth and Shrevie

(l to r): Modell and Eddie
  • on Christmas night in the film's opening during a Christmas dance, the six guys were introduced (in the order of their appearance): indebted compulsive gambler, aspiring law student at the Univ. of Baltimore and ladies man Robert "Boogie" Sheftell (Mickey Rourke) who worked days in a beauty parlor, irresponsible, troubled, rebellious, and often-drunken rich trust-fund kid and college drop-out Timothy "Fen" Fenwick, Jr. (Kevin Bacon), TV and appliances store clerk Laurence "Shrevie" Schreiber (Daniel Stern) who was unhappily-married to Beth (Ellen Barkin in her screen debut), annoying, rambling and wisecracking Modell (Paul Reiser) and about-to-be-married nervous fiancee Edward "Eddie" Simmons (Steve Guttenberg); a 6th member would be arriving soon
  • while riding in his car, Modell spoke to Eddie about his annoyance with the word "nuance": "You know what word I'm not comfortable with? Nuance. It's not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture's a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong"; meanwhile, Beth mentioned to her husband Shrevie that football fanatic Eddie had refused the original yellow and white color motif for his wedding planned on New Years Eve to his fiancee Elyse, and stubbornly insisted on blue and white colors - his team's (Baltimore Colts) colors
  • illustrating how "sick" and crazed he was, Fenwick 'pranked' many of his friends with a faked car accident by flipping his car over and smearing ketchup all over his face to suggest a serious injury; later to his friends at the diner, Fenwick boasted about what happened with his date of the evening Diane (Kelle Kipp) - "All I did was I parked the car on a nice lonely road, I looked at her, and I said: 'F--k or fight'" - and she never wanted to see him again
  • in the first major scene set in the Fells Point Diner later that night, Modell and Eddie intensely and passionately debated about the best make-out music (Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis) with the blunt answer from Eddie: "Mathis"; "Shrevie" couldn't answer: "I'm married. We don't make out"; later when "Boogie" was asked the same question by Eddie, he gave a quick reply: "Presley!"
  • during a minor diner argument, the annoying, wise-cracking Modell eyed Eddie's uneaten roast-beef sandwich and hinted: ("You gonna finish that?"); after further discussion with the exasperated Eddie, "Shrevie" was the one who grabbed half of Eddie's sandwich ("Fine, I'll take the sandwich!") and took a bite out of it; meanwhile at another table, "Bagel" (Michael Tucker) offered to cancel Boogie's foolish $2,000 dollar basketball game wager: "You haven't got a pot to piss in," but Boogie declined, and later was upset that he lost his basketball bet and was in deep financial trouble
  • as a preface to the film's most infamous set-piece scene, scheming, hustling, indebted "Boogie" made a late-night, macho movie-theatre wager of $20 bucks with his friends that he could entice a girl on a first date to a certain level of intimacy: ("You wanna bet she goes for my pecker on our first date?"); Shrevie asked for validation: "How? You gonna get - finger prints? I'm tellin' ya, I'm not gonna do the dustin'"
  • in the early morning hours, some of the group of friends met the sixth member of their gang at the train station: Masters in Business graduate student William "Billy" Howard (Timothy Daly) who was on a holiday break; he arrived in town to attend Eddie's New Years Eve marriage to his off-screen fiancee Elyse (to serve as Best Man), and to hook up with his unmarried girlfriend Barbara Kohler (Kathryn Dowling) who worked in the local TV station; Eddie couldn't understand why Billy had kept in touch with Barbara without romantic involvement: "If you want to talk, you always have the guys at the diner. You don't need a girl if you want to talk"; there were lots of discussions with Eddie about his possibly foolhardy rites-of-passage decision to get married; Eddie was casually non-chalant about his choice: "It seems like the right time and all. At least she's not a ballbreaker. Christ. If she was a ballbreaker, there'd be no way"
  • in the town's Strand movie theatre during the evening showing of A Summer Place (1959), with his friends observing from nearby seats, Boogie proceeded to conduct his challenge by creatively using a popcorn box with blonde date Carol Heathrow (Colette Blonigan); he stuck his privates into the bottom of the box to fool her into touching his "pecker" as she reached into the popcorn box in his lap; after she screamed and fled to the theatre's ladies room, "Boogie" followed and claimed "It was an accident," (although she asked: "Your thing just got into a box of popcorn?"); he was able to coax her with smooth-talk into returning by incredulously explaining to her how her beauty gave him a painful "hard on" or "boner" and to loosen things up, he opened his fly and took out his penis and it popped through the bottom flap of the popcorn box
Boogie's (Mickey Rourke) 'Pecker' in Popcorn Box Trick
  • during his visit, Billy paid a short visit to Barbara as she busily oversaw the monitors in Channel 11 WBAL-TV's studio during work; she suggested that they get together on the next day after a Sunday morning church service
  • the same evening, Eddie and Shrevie discussed how marriage had curtailed his sex life: "When you're datin', everything is talkin' about sex, right? Where can we do it? You know, why can't we do it? Are your parents gonna be out so, so we can do it, you know? Tryin' to get a weekend just so that we can do it....Everything is just always talkin' about getting sex. And then planning the wedding. All the details....But then, when you get married, it's crazy, I don't know. You can get it whenever you want it....So all that sex-planning talk is over with. And so is the wedding-planning talk 'cause you're already married....I cannot hold a five-minute conversation with Beth....It's just, we've got nothin' to talk about"; he was contented and they agreed that the diner would always be there for them: "We've always got the diner"
  • at the diner that night, three members of the group (Billy, Eddie and Modell) watched as one of their friends Earl Mager (Mark Margolis) attempted to eat "the whole left side of the menu"; Earl answered in the affirmative when asked if his challenge included the Maryland fried chicken dinner; Eddie and Modell were astonished: "Twenty-two deluxe sandwiches and the fried-chicken dinner! It's not human. He's not a person. He's like a building with feet. You know what I mean? It's unbelievable"; afterwards at dawn, the guys cheered Earl as he drove off in his small Nash Metropolitan
  • others in the group (Fenwick and Shrevie) argued with Boogie about how he had tricked them with his pecker stunt: ("It was pecker-touching without intention"); to counteract their accusations, the completely-broke Boogie bet them $50 dollars that he would "ball" Carol on their next date; the following day, Boogie phoned Shrevie to ask for a loan of $200 to partially cover his gambling debt of $2,000 dollars, and Fenwick also promised to ask his detested brother Howard (Tom Tammi) for money

Equestrienne Jane Chisholm (Claudia Cron)

Barbara's Pregnancy with Billy Revealed
  • at dawn while driving home with Fenwick, womanizer Boogie flirted with a horseback-rider in a white-fenced corral by the side of the road who introduced herself as Jane Chisholm (Claudia Cron) before riding off: ("Jane Chisholm. As in the Chisholm Trail"); Fenwick remarked - a seminal quote of male befuddlement about women: "Do you ever get the feeling there's somethin' goin' on we don't know about?"
  • meanwhile, Billy met up with Barbara on Sunday morning sitting in an empty pew in a church after a service, where she confessed that she was pregnant by him after a one night stand in NY a month earlier, ending their 6-year platonic relationship ("New York was a mistake"); he half-heartedly spoke about loving and marrying her, but she knew their imperfect association was only a friendship: ("You're confusing a friendship with a woman and love. It's not the same")
  • in the "Don't Touch My Records" scene, neglected and under-appreciated wife Beth and exasperated music-obsessed "Shrevie" argued vehemently with each other; the conflict began after Shrevie asked: "Have you been playing my records?"; he complained about her improper filing of one of his treasured LP records according to category, alphabet, and year - she had placed a James Brown record filed under the J's instead of in the Rock n Roll section: ("To top it off, he's in the rock n roll section instead of the R&B section - how can you do it?"); he also went further and criticized her lack of knowledge about Charlie Parker yelling: "Jazz, jazz! He was the greatest jazz saxophone player that ever played!"; "Shrevie" became fanatical: "Every one of my records means something - the label, the producer, the year it was made, who was copying whose styles, who was expanding on that, don't you understand? When I listen to my records they take me back to certain points in my life, OK? Just don't touch my records, ever!"; she was left with tears welling up in her eyes as Shrevie left their row house to take a drive
  • after Boogie arrived at Shrevie's place to collect a promised $20 loan, he realized that Beth was very upset; she sought some consolation from him about her marital problems
  • meanwhile, Billy and Eddie were alerted at a movie theatre during an Ingmar Bergman Festival, featuring the showing of The Seventh Seal (1957, Swe.), and told by Shrevie that their whip-smart triva expert and friend Fenwick was exhibiting highly-crazed behavior; wearing only his underwear, he had drunkenly desecrated the large statues in a Nativity scene outside the city's church by lying inside the manger and refusing to leave; the group of four were arrested and temporarily jailed after the entire display was knocked over and destroyed
  • with his marriage imminent, Eddie nervously expressed his doubts to Boogie about getting married: "Do you think I'm doing the right thing, gettin' married?... I keep thinkin' that I'm gonna be missin' out on things, you know" - and Boogie confirmed his fears: "Yeah, well, that's what marriage is all about"; he was mostly worried that he was technically a virgin; at the same time, Barbara reiterated to Billy at the TV station that in their predicament, they shouldn't marry ("I will not marry you. Not out of convenience")
  • elsewhere outside Boogie's beauty salon, he was threatened by his bookie Tank (John Aquino) to pay his debts, and his financial prospects worsened when his second date with Carol was cancelled due to her contracting flu; Beth arrived and thanked him for helping her the previous night; he complimented her about how great she was when he was her boyfriend years earlier: "There was plenty of girls around for a quick pop. If that's what I wanted. But I got to tell you, you were good...You would rate way up there...You're a definite looker"; the two planned an extra-marital tryst that evening, as she complained that her marriage with Shrevie had caused her to lose her personal identity: ("I don't have any sense of myself anymore. I don't know what I am"); later, although Boogie gave Beth a blonde wig to wear to conceal her identity, he decided it wasn't right and called their date off, plus he suggested: "I think you and Shrevie should try to work out your thing"
  • before his wedding in just two days, momma's boy and football fanatic Eddie required the off-screen Elyse to take a pre-nuptial 140 question trivia test (65 was passing) about the Baltimore Colts pro football team; if she failed, he threatened cancelling the marriage; during the oral test-taking, friends and family members gathered around the basement to keep score where he grilled her; when it was over and Elyse scored 63 points, Eddie announced solemnly: "The marriage is off!"
  • at Eddie's nightclub-bar bachelor party with Billy, Eddie described the first time he awkwardly tried to "cop a feel" of Ruth Ray's teenaged breast; Eddie worried what would happen to his friendships once he was married: 'I'll tell you one thing that happens when you get married. You have to give up your old friends. Because the wife wants you to get new friends"; Billy suggested for the live-band musicians to increase the tempo: "Hey, come on, pick it up, you guys. You guys wanna pick up the beat, or what?"; he took a place at the piano to liven things up, as Eddie joined the go-go dancer/stripper (with a boa) to dance on stage
Eddie's Bachelor Party - Dancing with a Go-Go Dancer
  • meanwhile outside the diner, Boogie was surprised when Tank told him that Bagel had paid his entire debt - and then punched him in the face; inside the diner, Boogie accepted an invitation to work for Bagel's home-improvement business until he "squared off" the money he owed him
  • the next day at dawn, Boogie reintroduced himself to Jane Chisholm for an early morning horseback ride
  • Eddie changed his mind and decided to marry Elyse; the wedding march in the Jewish ceremony was replaced by the Colts' marching song, and the color theme was blue and white; Eddie and his unseen bride Elyse at the altar were pronounced husband and wife
  • by now, Beth and Shrevie had solved their differences - Shrevie was planning 10 days for them in the summer in the Poconos; Fenwick brought Diane as his date to the celebration who suggested that he travel around the US instead of Europe (FLASH); Eddie danced with his mother who promised to make him when he came home (FLASH), while Boogie brought Jane who called him 'Bobby' instead of 'Boogie' (FLASH); and a reconciled Billy and Barbara danced slowly together (a FLASH of white - Elyse's wedding dress) [Note: Each of the couples experience a flash-bulb FLASH - signifying an important turning point for the future]

Elyse's Wedding Bouquet Thrown Onto a Table

The 'Diner' Group of Males Seated Behind the Table
  • in the concluding scene at Eddie's and bride Elyse's wedding, Modell toasted Eddie's friendship with a memorable light-hearted speech: ("...I was thinking that now that Eddie's getting married, and he won't really be hanging out with the guys anymore, I just wanted to say that we were never really that crazy about you....I don't know if everybody knows what Elyse had to go through to get married. She was two points away from spending the rest of her life by herself. It was very - it was a sad thing. And now she knows more about football than most girls in America.... I thought it was out of line when Eddie asked the Rabbi to wear black and white stripes and a whistle. That was wrong...")
  • at the end of the ceremony, the newlywed tossed her wedding bouquet into the air - after an uncertain trajectory, it landed on the table in front of the Diner guys - in disbelief; the iconic image of their freeze-framed full-color pose turned to sepia and then black and white; it signified that they were on the cusp of marriage, adulthood and real responsibility
  • during the end credits, the guys were heard talking in a rambling conversation at the diner - still 'forever' and symbolically-married friends, with Shrevie's last line in voice-over: "Now we're older and we're cooler and we're still hanging out here"

Fenwick's Faked Car Injury

At the diner - (l to r): Eddie (Steve Guttenberg) and 'Shrevie' (Daniel Stern)

(l to r): Fenwick (Kevin Bacon) and Modell (Paul Reiser)

Always in Debt "Boogie" (Mickey Rourke)

Business School Graduate Student "Billy" Howard (Timothy Daly)

Boogie to Carol: "It was an accident"

Carol: "Your thing just got into a box of popcorn?"

Billy's Friend Barbara Working at WBAL-TV Studio

Shrevie's Monologue to Eddie About How Marriage Ruined Conversation and His Sex Life with His Wife Beth

Earl's Attempt to Eat All Items on Left Side of Menu

"Shrevie" Complaining to Wife Beth About His Precious, Mixed Up and Miscategorized LP Record Collection

Upset Beth Explaining Her Marital Problems to Boogie

Drunken Fenwick in the Nativity Scene's Manger

Beth and Boogie Contemplating a Tryst Together

The Result of the Football Trivia Quiz for His Fiancee Elyse -- Eddie: "The marriage is off!"

Billy with Eddie at his Bachelor Party in a Strip Club-Bar

Boogie Horseback Riding with Jane Chisholm

Eddie at the Altar With His Unseen Bride

Dinner at Eight (1933)

  • MGM's and George Cukor's sophisticated comedy/drama with many great stars was memorable as the first all-star comedy
  • failing shipping line magnate Oliver Jordan (Lionel Barrymore) had many nostalgic memories of his love for aging grand dame actress Carlotta Vance (Marie Dressler)
  • platinum blonde trophy wife Kitty Packard (Jean Harlow) appeared in her white-hot extravagant bedroom, taking bites out of chocolates and putting the pieces back in the box; she had many memorable argument scenes with tycoonish husband Dan (Wallace Beery)

Kitty Packard (Jean Harlow) in Bed Eating Chocolates

Kitty Arguing With Husband Dan Packard (Wallace Beery)
  • Mrs. Oliver Jordan (Billie Burke) was constantly hyper-ventilating and hysterical over her ruined dinner plans for Friday's "dinner at eight" for a group of elite socialites
  • one of the film's most indelible images was of failed, ex-silent era star Larry Renault's (John Barrymore) profile in a vivid but pathetic suicide scene after he turned on the gas in his sealed Versailles Hotel suite
  • in the famous show-stopping closing scene with priceless dialogue, vulgar Kitty made conversation with aging grand dame actress Carlotta Vance on their way into dinner:

    Kitty: "I was reading a book the other day."
    Carlotta (staggering at the thought): "Reading a book!"
    Kitty: "Yes. It's all about civilization or something, a nutty kind of a book. Do you know that the guy said that machinery is going to take the place of every profession?"
    Carlotta (eyeing Kitty's costume and shapely physical charms): "Oh, my dear, that's something you need never worry about."

Oliver Jordan (Lionel Barrymore) with Carlotta Vance (Marie Dressler)

Larry Renault (John Barrymore - "The Profile") Succumbing to Suicide by Gas

Carlotta's Comment to Kitty

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)

  • director Frank Oz's comedy was a remake of Bedtime Story (1964) (starring David Niven and Marlon Brando) - both films were written by the same team of Stanley Shapiro and Paul Henning; a later remake was the female-centric The Hustle (2019) with two female leads (Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson)
  • the plot was about two cons (one American and one Brit) who engaged in a rivalry to see who could swindle a wealthy American heiress out of $50,000
  • in the film's opening set on the French Riviera, British con artist Lawrence Jamieson (Michael Caine) was introduced; Lawrence's current tactic was to pretend to be an exiled royal prince (addressed as "Your Highness") raising money for "freedom fighters" in his country; although their faces were not shown, he was seen reluctantly accepting a gift of a valuable pearl necklace removed from the neck of a rich female (Cheryl Pay)
  • the suave, wealthy, and educated pseudo-aristocrat Lawrence lived in the coastal resort of Beaumont-sur-Mer (fictional), and had two associates to assist in his ploys to scam "extremely rich, very married, eminently corruptible" females at the local casino: police chief-official Inspector Andre (Anton Rodgers) and manservant Arthur (Ian McDiarmid)
In French Riviera Casino, Lawrence Posed as Exiled Prince to His 'Mark': Fanny Eubanks (Barbara Harris) from Omaha, Nebraska To Acquire Her Diamond Earrings
  • Lawrence's next 'mark' in the Grand Hotel's casino was gullible Fanny Eubanks (Barbara Harris) from Omaha, NB; he was able to convince her of his princely role, and swindled her out of her diamond earrings; after selling her jewelry, the proceeds were divided amongst the trio (Lawrence, Andre, and Arthur)
  • Lawrence traveled by train to deposit his funds in a Zurich, Switzerland bank, and on his return trip by train to his French Riviera villa, in the train's dining room, Lawrence watched another con artist in action; the loud, unrefined and obnoxious American con-artist Freddy Benson (Steve Martin) acquired a free meal from a gullible female (Nicole Calfan) who believed his tale about a sick grandmother; she ordered the waiter: "Waiter, give this man whatever he wants"; Freddy then proceeded to order a huge meal: ("I'll have a double turkey sandwich on rye, a side order of fries, one of those large knockwurst, three bags of potato chips, chocolate milk and two beers. Why don't you have a beer. Three beers")

Con-Artist Lawrence Jamieson (Michael Caine) Watching Freddy's Con on Train in Dining Car

In Lawrence's Train Compartment, Freddy Arguing About How It Was Justified To Fleece Wealthy Females
  • shortly later with Freddy in his train compartment, Lawrence criticized Freddy's low-brow, shabby and inferior tactics as a confidence artist; Freddy claimed that Lawrence had a lot to learn about women ("the weaker sex"), and then persuasively rationalized the need to fleece unsuspecting wealthy females out of their money through cons: ("We're the weaker sex. Men don't live as long as women. We get more heart attacks, more strokes, more prostate trouble. I say, it's time for a change. I say, let them give us money. Let's live off them for a while. That probably shocks a guy like you, right?...Look what I did in the dining car! She gave me 100 francs. That's like uh, twenty bucks! Do you have any idea what it feels like to take a woman for $20 bucks?")
  • Lawrence and Andre used a decoy to get rid of potential competitor Freddy and divert him away from conducting his cons in Beaumont-sur-Mer rather than in the richer Portofino on the Italian Riviera; Lawrence didn't want Freddy screwing up his own local game: "A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away"; Lawrence and Andre suspected that Freddy was the 'Jackal' - a notorious American con who was 'working' throughout Western Europe
  • suddenly, Freddy appeared back in Beaumont-sur-Mer riding in an open white convertible Ferrari seated next to Krista Knudsen (Aina Wallé), the widow of a rich Danish match king; he had convinced her with his false story about a sick grandmother (who required an operation) and was handed a wad of cash; Lawrence arranged for Andre to arrest the swindler and "trickster" Freddy who was impingong on his territory and put him in jail; Lawrence bailed him out and put him on a plane out of the country; during the flight, Freddy was informed by returning Omaha resident "Lady Fanny" Eubanks that she had seen him speaking to "Your Highness" - an exiled prince; Freddy suddenly realized that he had been conned by a fellow con
  • in the next scene, Freddy was suddenly back in France and approached Lawrence at his villa; he persuasively blackmailed the consummate scam-artist to mentor him in the finer arts of conning rich women to improve his game, or otherwise threatened to ruin his 'business'; Lawrence told a skeptical Andre: "I am taking him in gracefully in order to get him out gracefully"
  • to the tune of "Puttin' on the Ritz" in a shot vignette, Freddy was measured by a tailor and treated to a new wardrobe; greasy pink hair gel was applied, and he was given lessons in how to walk, flower-arranging, and customary etiquette and refined manners
  • Lawrence was currently wooing Miss Trumble (Meagen Fay) from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Lawrence's goal was to scare off his newest prospect - marriage-minded heiress Miss Trumble after he had proposed to her and she had offered him $100,000 francs of her money for his "noble cause" to fight Communists; to dissuade her from marriage, Freddy joined Lawrence in his 'prince charade' by taking on the role of Lawrence's younger idiot and spastic brother - "monkey boy" Prince Ruprecht, a la Jerry Lewis
Miss Trumble Meeting Exiled Prince Lawrence's Spastic Brother 'Prince Ruprecht'
  • after being introduced in his dark, locked quarters, 'Ruprecht' expressed his distaste for the idea of Lawrence's engagement and his moving away to live with Miss Trumble in the US by angrily destroying pottery; he lubricated a yellow latex glove on his left hand after being asked the question: "What did we do when Uncle Ted was here?" and then he hugged Miss Trumble too tightly until he was threatened: "Ruprecht, do you want the genital cuff?" - and then he behaved; he was assured: "Don't worry, Ruprecht. We won't go anywhere without you" and then told the distressed Miss Trumble: "He'll enjoy Oklahoma's wide open spaces"

Lubricating a Latex Glove

Hugging Miss Trumble Tightly
  • in another scene with a new fiancee named Diana (Frances Conroy) from Palm Beach, at a long dining room table, 'Prince Ruprecht' ate with a cork on the end of his fork to prevent him from hurting himself, since it was explained by Lawrence that he often would poke himself in the eye (the one with an eyepatch); when commanded by Lawrence to eat his meal, the retard asked: "Excuse me, may I go to the bathroom first?"; when given permission, he appeared to pee into his pants under the table, and then after a look of relief, he responded: "Thank you"
Ruprecht Required to Eat With a Cork on End of His Fork to Prevent Him for Injuring Himself
  • exasperated by not receiving a share of the cash, and always being ordered around by Lawrence, Freddy threatened to leave and forfeit any future training; however, he remained in town and began to worry "top dog" Lawrence who feared his business would suffer: "There simply isn't enough room for both of us to work in Beaumont sur Mer"; but Freddy countered that he could easily ruin Lawrence: "I could always call Lady Fanny of Omaha"; the two decided to set up a competitive rivalry to battle for $50,000 from a selected mark; the winner would acquire the sole rights to the 'territory' of Beaumont-sur-Mer for future scams, while the loser would be required to leave the area and never return
  • the duo's first victim was the slightly bumbling American heiress Janet Colgate (Glenne Headley) - a sweet, naive "United States Soap Queen" actress who had just checked into the Riviera's Grand Hotel; both Freddy and Lawrence competitively tried to con Janet - Freddy surprised Lawrence by posing as a crippled, uniformed US Navy veteran who suffered from loss of feeling in his legs due to emotional trauma
  • at dinner, Freddy told Janet a sad sob story about how he had won a dance contest with his fiancee, but then found her making love naked on the studio's dance floor with Dance USA host Danny Terrio; he claimed that he required $50,000 for an operation to be performed in the clinic of famous Liechtenstein psychiatrist Dr. Emil Schaffhausen
  • the doctor happened to be conveniently seated in the lobby of the hotel where Janet found him, and he reluctantly agreed - after she begged - to examine Freddy's condition, but under one stipulation by the doctor: 'No money for him. If I decide to take this case, you must pay the fee directly to me"
  • in a hilarious scene, Dr. Schaffhausen struck Freddy's bare, 'crippled' legs ("Do you feel this?") multiple times to try to reveal that he was a fraud, but Freddy didn't cry out until he shed tears of joy (and pain) when the doctor finally agreed to take him on as a patient: ("Look, he's so happy he's crying"); the doctor whisked Janet away to his villa where he attempted to woo her, although Freddy was also present and trying to interfere; both cons continued to compete for the love and affectionate attention of Janet
  • soon after, Freddy again attempted to garner sympathy from Janet by staging a runaway wheelchair accident that sent him tumbling down the stone steps of Lawrence's villa to a beach below; when Janet ran to his rescue, he denounced the doctor: "He hates me. He's trying to torture me" and then tried to convince Janet to kiss him: "Am I attractive and exciting to you?"; Lawrence found them on the beach and suggested an alternative therapeutic strategy: 'You and I must be his role model. We must enjoy ourselves so much that Freddy will really want to jump out of the wheelchair and join us"
  • on a dance floor as Freddy looked on jealously from his wheelchair, the "doctor" persuaded Janet to kiss him: "It was love that put him in that chair. Perhaps love could get him out. Would you mind if I gave you a little kiss?"
  • following Janet's revelation later that evening that she wasn't as wealthy as Lawrence had earlier assumed, he and Freddy changed the bet - the winner would now be the first to sleep and have sex with Janet; the loser would be forced to leave town: "Loser leaves town"; Freddy immediately came up with another ploy to convince Janet to love him, without "doctor" Lawrence's interference; he returned alone to Janet's hotel room that night and suggested to her: "I could walk if the desire was strong enough....I think you're the only person in the world who can give me that desire....I love you and I think I could walk again if I thought you loved me too"
  • as she stood in her hotel's bedroom in a black negligee, she urged him to get up from his wheelchair and walk across the room to her; through the pain, Freddy made it to the bed and began kissing Janet, when Lawrence's voice from across the room surprisingly interjected: "Our love, Freddy. We all love you. It's moments like this that make being a doctor worthwhile"; Freddy's ploy backfired when Janet congratulated the "doctor" for his genius and how he could "perform miracles"
  • however, Janet was even more deceptively clever than either of them and ultimately swindled both of them out of $50,000 dollars; although she appeared to have left town, she returned to her vacated hotel room where she vowed her love for Freddy and they prepared to make love; when notified that Janet had returned and presumably had slept with Freddy, Lawrence feared he had lost the bet ("It seems the teacher has underestimated the student"); but then Janet appeared in tears at the villa and claimed to Lawrence that Freddy had slept with her, but then had stolen her money, mink, jewelry, and traveler's checks, and that he had also pretended to be unable to walk; in sympathy with Janet, Lawrence gave her a satchel filled with $50,000 dollars to "cover" her losses
  • just before Janet boarded a plane to leave, she impulsively returned Lawrence's money satchel; after her departure, Freddy frantically arrived in a hotel bathrobe to complain that Janet had stolen HIS clothes and money; Lawrence opened the satchel and found that it contained Freddy's clothes and a note from Janet - she revealed her identity as the elusive "Jackal" who had absconded with their money; Freddy was upset by her conniving dishonesty, but Lawrence reacted with praise: "Isn't she wonderful?"
  • as Freddy and Lawrence commiserated over their losses at Lawrence's villa a week later, Janet came into view as she arrived on a yacht with a group of wealthy vacationers from Greece; she posed as brash NYC real estate agent "Paula" wearing a red wig; both Lawrence and Freddy played along as she tried to impress her Greek millionaire client Nikos (Louis Zorich) by introducing him to both Lawrence (pretending to be Australian "Chips O'Toole" with a "Down Under" accent) and Freddy (posing as Chips' mute junior whizz-kid partner "Randy Bentwick")

Janet as NYC Real Estate Agent "Paula" Arriving on Yacht with Rich Vacationers From Greece

Lawrence and Freddy Posing as Australian "Chips O'Toole" and "Randy Bentwick" for Janet
  • as the film concluded - and in the film's final line, she joined arms with the two of them and revealed that she was ready to join them in fleecing the travelers that she had brought: "Fellas, last year I made three million dollars. But your fifty thousand was the most fun. Are you ready? Then, let's go get 'em"

Con-Scam: Posing as an Exiled Prince Accepting Valuable Jewelry From a Rich Female

Lawrence Jamieson (Michael Caine) - a "Dirty Rotten Scoundrel" - with Local Police Chief Accomplice Andre

On Train in Dining Car: Con-Artist Freddy Benson (Steve Martin)

New Con Target -- American Heiress Janet Colgate (Glenne Headley)

At the Grand Hotel, Freddy's Sad Story to Janet of His Past Emotional Trauma Causing Crippling of His Legs

Lawrence Posing as Dr. Emil Schaffhausen

Tests of Freddy's Bare 'Crippled' Legs to Try and Show That He Was a Fraud

Freddy Crying (from Pain) and Joy That The Doctor Accepted Him as a Patient

Freddy's Suicide Attempt to Again Garner Sympathy and a Kiss From Janet

The "Doctor" Kissing Janet on the Dance Floor, as Freddy in Wheelchair Looked on Jealously

Freddy's Attempt to Get Up From His Wheelchair and Walk to Janet in Her Bedroom to Make Love - the Doctor Was Watching Them

Janet's Surprise Vow of Love For Freddy

The Jackal's Note in Satchel

Janet with Rich Greek Tycoon Client Nikos (Louis Zorich) from Yacht

Janet Declaring with Her New Partners-in-Crime: "Let's go get 'em"

Greatest Funniest Movie Moments and Scenes
(alphabetical order, by film title)
Intro | A1 | A2 | B1 | B2 | C1 | C2 | D1 | D2 | E | F | G | H-I | J-K-L
M1 | M2 | N-O | P1 | P2 | Q-R | S1 | S2 | T | U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Previous Page Next Page